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5 Easy Steps to Avoid Weight Loss

When a new weight loss gimmick, um trick, err product hits the market to run to be the first to try it? Yeah, me too.

green diet foodThis year green is the way to go, for weight loss I mean. First it was green tea. I tried it. I hated it. I added sugar and gained 4.2 pounds.

Dr. Oz said you will lose tons of fat if you take this “one miracle product”, green coffee beans. I don’t know if they started out green, but by the time they made it into the pill I was supposed to swallow 4 to 7 times a day with a coffee pot full of water, they were brown. The taste was brown. The after taste was brown. My bank account was brown heading quickly to red. Who knew that the “free trial” turned into an auto replenish supply warehouse in China that now had my bank account information? I gained 7.9 pounds worrying and trying to untangle my account from the Chinese arms agreement.

Facebook says that Dr. Oz says that this one miracle (green in color) fruit is the newest, greatest miracle weight loss thing to hit the market since the green coffee phenomenal fail of three months ago. As proof, they offer multi-retouched photos of Rachel Ray skinnier than she has ever been. They even have a free trial offer that will only cost you shipping and handling and the cost of the entire ship’s crew for a month to bring it from somewhere near Thailand. Cambogia Cambodia Guarcinea taken three times a day with 4 gallons of all natural no sugar added moon beam juice will transform your body into a fat eating machine. Results, complete with retouched photos, show dramatic weight loss reports of up to 12 pounds for every 46 capsules taken or every $47 dollars spent, whichever proves to be true. I wasn’t a sucker this time. I didn’t opt in to support the communist regime in Cambodia/Thailand/North Korea. I went to WalMartHell and got my bottle. I also purchased 6 of the buy one get one free double-deluxe includes nut and chocolate syrup brownie mix and 4 super size bags of the mini-chocolate bars. I have now gained another 3.72 pounds give or take 5 pounds.

Next I was told that if I abided by this one trick and never ate this one food I could lose all my bell fat, quickly. I clicked to see what foods to avoid and learned I should avoid clicking on ads that promise weight loss. I was supposed to stop eating bread, or eggs, or bananas, or something the cave men may or may not have had access to like flame grilled dinosaur meat. I bought the book on the Puh-lay-ohhhhh diet. I never learned what food to avoid but did learn to avoid diet books. After that round of non-weight loss all I could afford to eat was bread. I gained another 6 pounds.

Number 5 on the list of guaranteed ways not to lose weight is Facebook itself. My friends, well intentioned as they are, keep posting recipes for the most delicious food you will never eat. Just last week I tried this wonderful looking pepperoni, cheese pull a-part disaster. I did every just as the directions said, but I think I may not have printed the last part of the recipe. The part that said this stuff smells bad, it tastes bad, and even the wild creatures of nature will not eat it. I baked it anyway. I tried it. Twice. Just to make sure I was right. It was bad. I threw it away and ate the only left in the house, a half-gallon of Blue Bell Strawberries and Cream ice cream. I gained another 3 pounds.

I know now the way to lose weight is sensibly. One pound at a time. By staying away from Facebook, friends, Dr. Oz, anything with Rachel Rays name on it, diet books, and green things.

From the life and mind of: Wanda M. Argersinger

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www.wandaargersinger.com

 

 

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5 comments

  1. Oh, the joys of losing (I mean trying to lose) weight. What they neglect to tell us when celebrities appear newly thin is that they had a staff of fourteen aiding in every aspect of the process. To that I say, let them eat ice cream. Love this column!

  2. You are hilarious! One time I bought diet pills from the drug store and gained 10 lb before I read it ingredients. Caffeine was #1. This in addition to the diet Pepsi I was drinking gave me nervous energy and stimulated my fears. What could I do but try to calm myself with chocolate?

  3. Sounds like really wise words on all counts. Good luck. I’m fighting the battle too. Tried the green tea, managed to avoid the sugar – no success. Tried the green coffee beans, bought one bottle and take one a day if I remember. Living out here I gotta make thing last – Still no luck. Went to a health food store and bought a bottle of Glucomannan, again taking one a day to conserve – nada. Oh and my favorite “Eat right and exercise”. With my summer job, if that worked, I’d be skinnier than Rachel. gaaa

  4. What am I going to do come November when my iGoogle page closes. I won’t be getting a notification of your wonderful posts anymore. 🙁

  5. I hear you.
    Their wallets are getting fatter – Ours skinnier
    They get skinnier (loose weight) – We get bigger (gain weight)

    Why? Let me draw a picture for you in my rusgerswi(sh) language….

    We pay them a crap load of money (their wallet gets fatter, and ours skinnier)
    (We call them crooks, but in all reality they KNOW us gullible somethings, (you get my drift) and it is and always will be in demand) – With the money we pay them, they now can afford a personal trainer (you know, like Sven the masseuse, the best looking Pool boy named…., and the list keeps going).
    I’d be getting skinny fast and looking like a million dollars too if I could afford him.. (Wouldn’t we all?)

    And knowing all that makes us do just that… Moving towards the freezer and get a bowl of ice cream.

    After all this and this awful analogy, I am so depressed, I am going to get me a calorie loaded alcoholic beverage…., go to bed tonight dreaming of Pablo, MY pool boy.

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