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I’m A Loser But Still In Good Company

So here is my entry for the 2014 EBWW competition. Hope you enjoy.

 

Learning to Smile at Sixty

I want a smile that says, “She’s a nice lady” instead of a ssmile that says “She’s the wicked witch of the west and she has come for your ruby slippers.” I have neither. Instead I have braces at 60. I have upper teeth that moved west while I was facing north. I have an empty bank account. I have a mortgage on my mouth.

I thought braces were the way to go. I didn’t realize there’s more to a smile than straight teeth. I thought smiling was a natural thing. How was I to know I would have to practice with my new teeth?  About a month before the Invisialign were due to come off permanently, I began to smile at myself in front of the mirror.           The first smile I made screamed, “Mug shot,” and I wasn’t in jail. I tried again.

The second smile was that of a hyena accompanied by the sound of its laughter. I scared myself so bad I caught up with myself running down the hall.

Day after day I stood practicing in front of that mirror. I smiled like a braying donkey. I smiled like a chimpanzee, my lips touching my nose. I smiled until I wanted a refund for the braces.

I saw the “Joker” smile a la Jack Nicholson who was also responsible for the “Shining” smile. I saw the “Chucky” smile, the “Gary Busey” smile, the “Jaws” smile, the “Bozo” smile, and even one that resembled Freddy Krueger. All that money spent for straight teeth and I couldn’t smile showing them without being arrested. I went through so many smiles my face cracked. I was a smile failure.

I smiled for my closest friends. They laughed so hard one snorted and I think the other one peed her pants.  I tried smiling for coworkers. They laughed showing their teeth. Evil witches all of them!

If I couldn’t smile for myself in the mirror, my “after” photo the orthodontist would take would scream, “We’ve finally got her?” Someone call the police to take her away.

I took fashion magazines to the mirror flipping from page to page, smiling again and again. None of the smiles were my smile. Could I simply adopt one of the magazine smiles and be done with it?

I smiled while driving. People ran off the road when they saw me.

I smiled while cooking. My family thought I was going to poison them.

I smiled during sex and gave the wrong impression.

Today I smile MY smile showing my teeth, the smile that screams, “Hi. I’m the wicked witch of the South and I have come for your 3” heels.”

From the life and mind of Wanda M. Argersinger

© 2014 All Rights Reserved

www.wandaargersinger.com

 

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4 comments

  1. “I have a mortgage on my mouth.”
    My favorite line, but I loved the whole thing.
    You’re a winner with me, Wanda!!

  2. “I have a mortgage on my mouth.”
    My favorite line, but I loved the whole thing.
    You’re a winner with me, Wanda!!

  3. Hilarious, Wanda! You are so funny. I’m willing to bet that now the braces are off, your smile is beautiful.

  4. Hilarious, Wanda! You are so funny. I’m willing to bet that now the braces are off, your smile is beautiful.

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