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My Assistant Needs Assistance – Read Carefully Before Applying

I asked my assistant the other day to order a very large, three ring binder for me from the office supply store. I was thinking a 3 inch binder would work, with tabs to separate the various projects / information. 3 inches would accommodate the current and hopefully any near future additions to the book.

A couple of days ago the binder arrived. I probably would never have even known it was here, except the binder presented a problem to my assistant. She brought the binder into my office, slammed it on the desk and said, “Here. You figure it out. The damn thing didn’t come with any instructions.”

Well. I wasn’t aware that a 3 ring binder of any size required instructions to operate. Oh how wrong I was proven to be.

This 3 ring binder has no rings. Instead it has 3 metal bars that are at least 3 inches long. At the top and bottom of the binder, on the inside, it has 2 black plastic sliding things. I think they lock the binder, or bars closed, but I wouldn’t know that because I can’t get the binder open.

There are also 2 little plastic tab thingies on each side of the ‘assumed’ top plastic lock but they don’t seem to move, so I am unsure of their purpose. Each of the 2 little plastic thingies seem to operate some sort of smaller rod with springs running from the top to the bottom of the notebook. I hesitate to call it a 3 ring binder, because it doesn’t have 3 rings, and if I can’t open it, it can’t bind anything.

My assistant and I have been perplexed by this binder, for 3 days now. My oldest son, who can operate any and everything came by yesterday. I showed the strange binder to him and told him that we have no operating manual. He looked at it, tried to move all the parts my assistant and I had tried to move. He was successful in using a few words we had not tried. They didn’t work. The binder is still unopened.

The papers that were supposed to go in the binder are piling up on my desk – not that anyone would notice. Here was one good effort on my part to organize something and I have been thwarted by the binder without operating instructions. But I am not alone. To date I have had my assistant, her children (all 3 of them), my oldest son, the UPS man, the mail man, the man who delivers the water to the office, the landscapers, the police who answered the alarm this past weekend, the volunteers who come by to help us stuff envelopes, the attendees at the support groups, the girl scouts who came by selling cookies, the man who replaced the windshield in my car, and the resident squirrels from the attic. None could open the non-3-ring binder.

I am not giving up though. We are expecting a delivery from Fed Ex two days from now. They delivered the binder in the first place. I am betting they either:
*know how to open it
*have the operating instructions in their truck
*know some currently unused swear words that will come in handy
*can run over it with their truck
*will offer to throw the thing off the nearest bridge

It really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I forgot what I was going to put it the stupid thing anyway.

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One comment

  1. As your assistant…if I don’t get assistance soon, I will not be responsible for my own actions….ROFLMAO!!!

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