Do we ever reach that perfect age and balance between being able to afford what we think we deserve and actually enjoying those things? Yeah, that’s what I think.
Or I did until two months ago.
That’s when I purchased a new mattress.
Years ago I splurged on a Tempurpedic mattress. It was more than I could afford but exactly what I deserved. That is until I had to change the bedding. It took two months to figure out how to lift the unwieldy mattress to put the clean sheets on.
It was worth it.
Not only did I have a great mattress, great support and a good night’s rest, I got to invite friends to come jump on the bed without spilling the wine.
Then I broke my back. The Tempurpedic mattress died. And I had to purchase a new one.
I wanted a new Tempurpedic or so I thought.
This time I didn’t fall victim to the television advertisements, I actually went to a mattress store and tried out every possible option, beginning with the most expensive Tempurpedic.
I opted for a hybrid mattress.
It was glorious.
It was comfortable.
It was expensive.
It would be delivered in two weeks.
It arrived and I had brand new sheets to put on the bed. Brand new red sheets I’d been saving for the new mattress and my first night in heaven since back surgery.
I was excited.
I was ecstatic.
I couldn’t lift the mattress.
I needed help.
I needed a man.
I need Dwayne Johnson. I needed the Incredible Hulk. I needed anyone with huge muscles who could lift heavy things and hold them there while I put the sheets on the bed.
I’ve now had the bed for two months.
Two months of pure pleasure. Two month of pain. Two month of aggravation. Two months of creating new four letter words. Each time I have to change the linens, pleasure turns to confusion as I struggle with the hybrid. How do other owners of hybrids change the linens? How do other. go on with life? What other new words have been creating in the attempt to change the linens? Is there a support group for linen changes of hybrid mattresses? Where are they located?
Suggestions have been made about installing a lift of sorts in the ceiling that could be used to hoist the damn thing.
Other suggestions have been made using 4 letter words.
I can’t return the mattress. It’s beyond the 30 days of guaranteed perfect sleep.
I purchased the damn thing because I needed it to support my back.
I am now considering donating it and purchasing a new one for fear this one will break my back.
At this point in my broken back life I’d gladly go back to a feather mattress. Or a straw mattress. Or anything that weight less than a 747 when it comes time to change the linens.
I am too old to have something this nice. Or I’m too old to have anything this nice. Or perhaps I’m just too damn old period.
From the life and mind of Wanda M. Argersinger
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