I survived! Well, I sort of survived. I didn’t completely blow the diet. I can’t say that I lost any weight, but then again I haven’t weighed myself to see. Fear is the big factor there. I also didn’t kill anyone – that I know about. I also can’t account for the new dent in my vehicle, or the threatening phone calls I am getting – someone ranting about my verbal massacre of their loved one.

I seem to manage ok with the food restrictions, but the Coca Cola and caffeine withdrawal send me over the edge. We have a young woman in our office this week helping out. We didn’t have to pay her and she wasn’t a volunteer. Technically she was just there. And even those words don’t quite describe her. She would wander in around 10 or so, take time to eat whatever she had brought with her. She would then spend the next 3 to 4 hours on the phone managing to work a bit in between calls. In 2 hours of time she did manage to stuff 41 envelopes. A new record for our office. Not a Guiness record, rather a “How Low Can You Go” record. When it was time to leave she asked my assistant if she had an sense. Anna looked at her with one of those “are you out of your fricking mind” looks, the replied, “More than you honey.” Unphased, or deaf, the young woman asked again, “you got any cents?” To which Anna replied, I never carry cash. The young woman sauntered out the door. Me? Well I flew back in to the office and asked Anna if the young woman had asked her for money. When Anna said that she had, I was furious and wanted to catch the young woman before the young woman could catch the bus. I’m not sure what I was going to do with her when I caught her, but I am sure it was not congratulate her on being the best of anything. I didn’t catch her – her dumb luck allowed her to escape unharmed.

I had a lot of errands to do through out the week which meant I would be on the roads more than normal. I am not sure who the gods were looking out for when they allowed me to catch mostly green lights, short checkout lines, smiling clerks. All new things for me, and good things for the world.

I did have to deal with 2 doctors, but even there the waits were short. I was prepared though with a book to read, a hammer in my purse, and a repatoire of smart ass come backs. The hammer was new. The smart ass repatoire is standard ammunition.

I have developed a salt consumption need, a cleaning frenzy habit, and the inability to sit still long enough to complete any task requiring more concentration than it takes to open a piece of chewing gum. I swam in the pool, a lot; swept the front porch 14 times; picked the bird seeds of the front walk way; washed the leaves on the plants, including the ferns; picked up the BBs, shot by my grandson, off the lawn; repotted 125 plants; washed my hands 239 times; weeded the garden boxes; repositioned the flowers in the flower beds so they face the east or south; rearranged the stockings in my drawer according to apparent wear that they have incurred; inventoried and sorted by color my grandsons marbles and Matchbox cars. After all of that was completed, I took a walk at 8 a.m. and watched people retrieving their newspapers from their clean driveways.

I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sugar in my diet, the lack of caffeine flooding my bloodstream, or the simple need to keep busy to keep the urge to murder someone in check, but something strange is happening. Now if something strange would happen to all the extra pounds I am carrying around, well, I would welcome that strange into my otherwise normal, calm life. Yeah! Right!

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