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Booby Trapped

Do you have a body part that you consider to be too big or too small? Or one that gets in your way? Or one that makes you scream because you can’t get clothes to fit because of it? Yeah, me too.

Looking down on the problem

I was sitting in the doctor’s office the other day and was writing in my blue notebook. That’s what I do when I have to wait. Anyway, I noticed that the more I wrote the longer my arms needed to be.

I had the book in my lap but could only write on the top 1/3 of any page. Not because I can’t see unless the book is 4 feet away from my eyes. Not because there is anything wrong with the book. It’s because the bottom 2/3 of every page can’t be seen. The pages are blocked because my boobs get in the way.

Looking down on the book I tried everything I could to see the entire page. The more I lean forward to see the book, the less I can see. I tried sliding the book out resting more on the knees and less on the lap. That sort of work but balancing the book with nothing under it and trying to write in it at the same time proved impossible. I tried putting the book on top of the boobs but I still couldn’t see. My face got in the way. A larger book might supply more readable space but only because the pages are larger, not that I would be able to see any more than 1/3 of these pages also.

My writing has been thwarted by a number of things in the past but this is a first. Losing pens, or paper, or even ideas, I’m used to that. But not being able to write because of the boobs blocking the view, well that presented an entirely new problem. I pondered about a solution but was left wondering what can be done about that?
I’ve known for quite some time that the boobs were a problem. I can’t wear blouses that button, because they won’t. Getting the boobs corralled enough to wear a swim suit can be a monumental challenge. Bras won’t hold them up, or in, or smooth them so a sweater can be worn.

I’ve had underwires explode during meetings and on planes. I’ve had front closure bras open while talking with salesmen in stores. I’ve had the boobs pop up, pop out, and simply refuse to cooperate. I’ve boob bumped more people than I care to count. They’ve been bound, squished, pushed up, pushed down, pulled in, and left hanging. Babies think they make great cushions and my grandson used to ask “Mawmaw, can I lay my head on yous boobies?” They have been an asset and a hindrance, sometimes at the same time. But I’ve never had them completely get in the way.

I tried everything I could think of to get to that damn book to record my thoughts. I first tried smashing the boobs down towards my lap just a bit. They bounced back up and almost blacked my eyes. I tried spreading them apart a bit to allow space between them to write. The slid just a bit inside the bra then stopped. Seems the underwire would not allow continued progress beyond the underarms. I tried to write but I think I was inventing a new language. Every few letters would have a huge diagonal line heading up and either left or right depending on which boob came flying around the corner and hit my arm full force. Lifting them up made no sense so I didn’t even try. There are only so many directions you can go when trying to move the “babes” out of the way.

I did try smashing them in to my chest. I think I heard one cry something about “stop it stupid b!+((-)”. They had other ideas. I think they remember being bound in that “breast binder” after the birth of my first child. “Never again” said they. They were proud and would not be flattened as if they don’t exist.

I was about to give up when Carol called me in for my appointment. I was frustrated I refused to get on the scale. She asked how I was so I showed her the above rendition of my problem. Without explanation she knew what it was. She didn’t have a solution but we did have a good laugh, at my expense no less.

I’m still dealing with the boob/book issue today. If you have a solution that does not involve surgical alteration, please send it to me. If it’s patentable we could be the first boobillionares.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2010 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com
My good friend Dawn Weber did write something involving body parts. Please be sure to read her contribution at: www.lightenweber.blogspot.com

About Wanda Argersinger

7 comments

  1. And what were the other waiting room people saying while you were doing all this adjusting, you nut?
    Loved the piece. I was going to write about boobs, but I knew you had it covered. Until your underwire popped.

  2. Forces of nature prevent me from empathy with over-ampleness. However, my mind *did* wander toward an invention one might find akin to a Murphy bed.

  3. So funny, Wanda. Loved the waiting room images. How high do we have to count to get to a boobbillion?
    Let me think a bit and see if I can come up with “just one” troublesome body part.

  4. Wanda,
    I would suggest that the next time you visit the dr. you also schedule a mammogram. You could write while it was being administered. No way they will get in the way when they squash them in there. Makes me think of the mangle I used to have to use when I worked in a laundry!
    Janet Elaine Smith, multi-genre author

  5. Wanda, I love starting my day with your posts!!! Unfortunately, my belly is more of a problem than my boobs 🙁

  6. Wanda, I imagine you liven up the “waiting room experience” for everyone visiting your doctors.
    when my belly button was my problem I rested my books o n the bottom spine to read them. now I can rest them on my knees.

  7. Never had that problem. I rememer praying for a “norther” the night of the prom so I could wear my strapless dress. No norther? Nothing to hold up the strapless.

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