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Partly Clouded Today With A 98% Chance of Rage

Fair warning.

I am handicapped today so get out of my way.

I am sailing through the day with only one functioning eye.

The one functioning eye has a contact lens in it as it does most days.
The non-functioning eye does not have a contact lens in it. On any normal day it would have one there.

But I had a serious contact malfunction in the middle of the night.

Sometime during the night my eye spit out the contact lens.

I wish it would have told me ahead of time so I could have planned by locating my glasses. Or at least told me when it did it so I wouldn’t go digging around in the eye looking for the errant lens.

I didn’t find it or them.

Okay. That’s not the exact truth. I didn’t find the missing lens in the eye. Nor did I find it at 12:30 when I first noticed something was amiss with the eye. I also did not find it at 2:30 when I first began to dig for the missing lens in the eye. It was still not there at 4:00 when I gave one last valiant attempt to locate the lens in the eye.

When I stepped out of the shower at 4:30 this morning I located the lens. On the carpet. Under my foot. It was not salvageable.

Without warning of the eye’s plan, I did not have sufficient time to locate my glasses, which would have allowed me to remove the lens from the other eye. It also would have given at least half a chance to those on the road with me this morning.

Why don’t I just put a new lens in the eye?

I can’t. All that digging around has irritated the eye and it now adamantly refuses to let anything smaller than a finger or less educated than a real MD get close to the eye. It has sealed itself shut.

Actually it continually rakes the eye with sandpaper to keep me aware of the fact that it will not accept contact lenses today.

The problem with having only one functioning eye, other than the obvious, is that there is no back up eye. If the one remaining functioning eye gets anything in it, around it, or upsetting it, I am out of business. I don’t do Braille and have yet to master that Dragon language for typing. Probably wouldn’t matter anyway because I’m sure with only one eye I would not be able to locate the headset required to operate the Dragon anyway.

There are only a few things that rattle my cage and upset me. Okay, maybe a few hundred. Not being able to see is one of them. Not being able to locate something I really need at the time I need it is another. The problem escalates from there.

In my semi-state of seeing this morning while searching for the missing glasses I became more irritated than the eye.

I throw things when I am irritated.

Lots of things.

All over the place. (Place being defined as home, car, outside, office, and even at people when necessary.)

So now, not only do I have an eye that doesn’t see, I have a messier car, a bed covered with all the things that needed to be thrown in an attempt to find the glasses, a bathroom with empty cabinets, a living room with crap all over the place, on and on ad infinitum.

All for the want of a missing contact lens.

For the want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for the want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for the want of a horse the rider was lost, blah, blah, blah.

If you are on the road, in Florida, around 3 this afternoon, watch out for a crazy woman operating a blue van.

Just saying.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
©2011 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

8 comments

  1. Do I ever understand this! As always, you make a crisis situation into something clever and hilarious. Love it! Oh, and BTW, hope you find a contact soon and save the drivers of Florida.

  2. Love it! And all of us contact lens wearers are saying, “Been there, done that!”Hilarious stuff, although I sympathize heartily.
    Hope you find one soon and save the drivers of Florida.

  3. How I can sympathize! Been there, done that, no t-shirt. You make the experience sound funny. don’t know how you do that.

  4. In an age when contact lenses can be worn to bed, I find it amazing one of your lenses was on the bathroom floor. You eyeball must have found it’s way to your toes at some point during the night and when you stubbed your toe, it bounced back into it’s proper place, sadly leaving said lens behind. hmmm I wonder where your toe was at the time. At those hours in the morning, things REALLY need to be where they are supposed to be for me. Hope your eye feels better soon.

  5. I don’t think the other drivers are in danger of you as I’ve seen how Floridians drive. I have a bad habit of walking out of the house without my glasses so I know how you feel. The only contacts I have are those on Yahoo and I can’t ‘see’ them.

    It might be wise to have an extra set of contacts in the bathroom just in case. The other choice is to make everything small enough to be thrown out of soft material.

  6. Put a black patch over the eye and don an old ragged hat so you will look like a pirate of the car-ribbing.

  7. One word. Dollar Tree! Ok, that’s two words. I have at least 15 pair of readers in varying strengths from 150 to 225 scattered all over the place. Never had contacts. Seeing son’s fake eyeball flipped backwards cured me from ever wanting contacts. Glad it’s the weekend. Stay put until your eye decides to cooperate.

  8. Sorry about your eye! I will stay off Florida roads today. Oh wait – I am never on Florida roads. Kill me now.
    Again, only you could spin such a situation into funny. Awesome post!

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