Home / Life In The Land of Confusion / How’s My Driving?

How’s My Driving?

If you see something suspicious and are given the opportunity to do something about it, or report it to some authority, would you do it? Yeah, me too.

“Uh, hello. Is this the comment or complaint line?”

“It is? Good.”

“I’m behind this vehicle with a huge yellow label on the back window.”

“What? Yes, it has a number on it. How do you think I called you?’

“Oh, that number. Yes, I can read it. What is it? MM 394.”

“The type vehicle? Well, I’m not sure. It’s gray. Does that help? Why does that matter if you have the number?”

“Oh. You want to make sure that I am reporting on one of your vehicles. No, that doesn’t make any sense to me. Do you think someone would steal a big yellow sticker and just put it on their vehicle hoping to confuse the complainant or comment people?”

“Why yes. I am trying to be a smart ass. That’s why I called you. It’s what I live for, finding vehicles with these stickers, chasing them down to get your number and then calling to report on them. After all, I have nothing else to do with my time on the road.”

“Yes. I do have something useful to say, but I also want to comment on this vehicle.”

“No, ma’am. It’s not a compliment. Well it might be. I’m not quite sure.”

“Actually I’m not quite sure what’s going on in the vehicle.”

“How many people in the vehicle?”

“I would have to add up all the appendages and divide by some number and I’m not sure I can accomplish that while driving and speaking with you, even though I am using a headset. I can tell you I’ve seen what looks like three different heads in there, seven arms, and a hat.”

“No ma’am. I’m not being a smart ass now.”

“What are they doing?”

“Well I’m not sure I want to know. I can tell you that they are blocking my progress down the road.”

“What? Are they driving over the speed limit?’

“No ma’am. As a matter of fact I don’t think they could find the speed limit if they floored that thing.”

“No ma’am. I am not trying to annoy you? Why? Would you like to be annoyed?”

“Listen. I just want to comment on this MM 394 vehicle of yours. I see the head on the right of the vehicle disappear down toward the person I can only assume is supposed to be driving. Wait, is that a leg I see?”


“In the vehicle.”

“No. I believe it belongs to someone other than the front seat passengers.”

“Ma’am, if there was a way to get up beside them or pass them, I wouldn’t be on the phone with you now.”

“No ma’am. I didn’t call to comment on what’s going on in the vehicle. I don’t care that much. I only care that they are impeding my progress.”

“The posted speed limit?”

“Fifty-five I believe, but that depends on how badly you need to get to your destination.”
“No ma’am. They aren’t exceeding it. They haven’t even come close to reaching it.”

“Pass them? Lady, I wish like hell I could but every time there is an opening they do something interesting and I get stopped again.”

“What do I consider interesting? Well, I’ve always found books and music interesting.”
“Ohhh, you mean what’s so interesting in the car?”

“Well, three heads, seven arms, one leg, and one hat are pretty interesting especially when it appears one of them is doing something gratifying to someone else while driving. Wait. I think that, yes it was. A hat just flew by me and it came from MM 394.”

“Why, no ma’am. I’m not accusing anyone. I’m just pointing out what I obviously see and you can’t.”

“My comment?”

“I want to report driving under the speed limit and shenanigans I can’t see.”

“Look lady. I’ve followed this vehicle for the past twenty-seven miles just to read your number so I could call and let you know what appears to be suspicious activity and causing traffic to back up. But if you would like to be annoyed I’m sure I can accommodate your request.”

“Yes ma’am. I am a bit ticked off. There is obviously something going on in vehicle MM 394. I can’t say whether it’s legal or not. And to be honest, I don’t really care. But if they are going to be driving this slow, blocking traffic, and having that much fun, they shouldn’t have bright yellow stickers on their windows. Most vehicles with stickers like that are vehicles being used for business. If what’s going on in there is business, it belongs in a cage with the monkeys or sold on the corner out at the Point.”

“Yes, ma’am. You can quote me on that.”

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2010 All Rights Reserved

About Wanda Argersinger


  1. Sounds like an interesting afternoon! Haha.

  2. For a second there I thought you had come to Texas and one of my kids had stuck a post-it note on the back of my vehicle not that our shenanigans or that interesting or that I am ever that far under the speed limit. What a fun way to start the morning. I bet you could parlay that into a reality-tv pilot.

  3. So funny, Wanda! Don’t you just love “customer service”? And, no that wasn’t my car you saw. Mine’s white, or course, it looks gray with the winter slush on it. Did you see teeny, tiny Bradford Pears splattered on it? If not, it’s not my car.

  4. Sounds like someone was getting “full service” while working….ROFL…..hahahahahaha

  5. I’m still trying to figure out where that seventh arm came from!

  6. Oh, this is wonderful, Wanda. I am with Joyce on this one. Is one person an amputee so one arm is missing, or does one person have an extra arm? Or, heaven forbid, WHAT is that person doing with their other arm? So did you ever get past them? Inquiring minds want to know.
    Janet Elaine Smith, multi-genre author

  7. I’m too old for shenanigans like that,but I love reading bumper stickers when I can get close enough to see them.

    “Watch out for that Dumb Ass behind me!”

    I bet one of them had a Rubic’s Cube.

  8. Seven arms, eh??? By the math, there’s another person in there somewhere. I wonder what THEY’RE doing??? Hmmmm


  9. Oh MY, I hope they weren’t driving Southeast. We don’t approve of gratification down here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *