I don’t watch foreign films.
I speak only English and a few words in Spanish and even fewer words in Arabic.
I can’t read the lips.
I can’t find a plot.
I don’t understand the culture.
So why did I spend an entire Sunday recently watching Jerseylicious about a bunch of hairdressers in the foreign land of New Jersey?
I haven’t a clue.
But I did it.
And loved every minute of the big haired, major jewelryed, gum snapping, bitching, smokey eyed, beating their mortal enemy, girls.
I don’t know much about New Jersey, except the little bit learned from my friend Tracy Beckerman. (Shhh, don’t tell her, but she’s not a real Jersey girl.)
Visiting a foreign place such as New Jersey without an interpreter can be dangerous.
I tried to follow the plots, even when they looked like they were leading to someone’s demise.
The following statements are what I could glean from the show.
There was only one blonde, and she was the smart one in the bunch.
The length of the fingernails are questionable especially when one hairdresser babysat for a friend. Said friend was afraid the fingernails would either hurt the baby or harbor baby poop after changing diapers.
The bigger the better is the motto with regards to jewelry on these gals. One ring covered four fingers. Not a bad ratio if the jewels were real. They weren’t.
Jewelry is worth fighting for and over, whatever the cost.
More is better, with regards to everything except clothes.
The hair was bigger than even Dolly Parton’s hair no matter what wig she wears.
Bronzer is on the same level of importance as your wallet and money.
Extensions are a natural part of the hair experience. I’m not sure there was one long hair beauty on the show who actually grew her own hair.
Every girl had at least one mortal enemy, which I understand is a requirement to be a Jersey girl.
Jewelry, hair, and multi-layered makeup is required if you want to be taken less than seriously. These girls did.
Bare shoulders and minimal clothing are requirements.
School is not a place for studying, unless studying the opposite sex.
Major tattoos are required on all guys that date Jerseylicious girls or are related to the same.
They smokey-eye was invented in Jersey. So was the black eye.
I think the next time I travel to foreign land I’ll do it in person, and it won’t be New Jersey. These people scare me.
From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
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