Do you have any warning labels that apply to your life that perhaps you should begin wearing? Yeah, me too.
Lately my warning labels would include but are not limited to:
• Keep upright at all times
o This should be self explanatory. Any divergence from being completely upright causes liquid inside of me to be expelled, sometimes under great pressure, from all the holes in my head.
• Caution – Toxic Liquid Inside
o DO NOT under any circumstances let this liquid come in contact with you. Once contamination has occurred you will be subjected to an invasion of aliens from the planet Mucous. It’s not pretty after that.
• Unnecessary Pressure May Cause Leakage
o Testing has shown that pressure may cause this container to convulse with coughing fits; leak from the bottom of the container; spray germ laden liquids from the nozzle on the top of container. Take all necessary precautions to avoid unnecessary pressure. (Trust us when we say – unnecessary pressure ain’t a pretty site.) Should container spring a leak, run. Run very, very fast.
• Proper Hand Washing Rules Apply
o For your own safety, wash hands before coming in contact with this container. Additional hand washing required after touching container.
• Stay Back 500 Feet At All Times
o Container has been known to explode for no particular reason. 500 feet is the recommended safety distance to avoid contamination.
• Possible Strange Noise Emission
o Should you begin to hear strange emissions from this container, run like hell. An eruption is imminent.
• Do Not Push
o This container has been contaminated. It is currently in our weekly inspection / injection rotation to prevent further damage to the container. It has not been in a state of rest for over 14 days and may erupt and commit violence upon your person if you are brave enough to push it.
• Do Not Shake
o This should be taken as both a literal and figurative caution.
• Recommended Temperature Rating
o 74º. Variances of more than 3 degrees may cause container failure. Stated failure may cause severe damage to persons in the immediate reach of the container.
• Fragile – Handle With Care
o Self explanatory. This container has been experiencing unscheduled maintenance flaws, top pressure, uncontrolled leakage, and an infestation of little yellow aliens. It should be allowed to rest until it returns to some state of normalcy.
From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2010 All Rights Reserved