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Sign The Friendlier Forms

I just had to complete a W-9, which is one of those most annoying forms that all the businesses that you do business with want a copy of and that you make so many copies of to send out that eventually the original copy can’t be copied legibly anymore. Hence, having to do a new one. Either that or the year and form changes requiring a new one.

In the normal world, one not controlled by the IRS, the signing person on this form would be the owner of the business that the W-9 was requested of, say the president or some other legally bound officer. I am not this person. I simply account for the business that is transacted daily.

We have a wonderful young lady who works here who called me and told me about the current state of the current copy of our W-9 form being illegible and unfit for copying. She asked what to do about the problem. Due to the current absence of all officers and other legally bound persons, I told her to complete the form and bring it to me and I would sign it. I figured since I can sign the checks, why not sign the form.

She did.

I took out my pen and began to sign and was momentarily stopped by laughter. Not ordinary laughter. Oh no. This was stupid laughter. The kind that will make you snort Coke out your nose, pee your pants, and fall out of your chair. The kind that only sheer stupidity, like anything done by the IRS, would cause.

The problem?

I stopped to read what the IRS had put on the form to the left of where I was supposed to sign my name. There in all the legalese it could muster on the day the form was created the IRS in its infinite wisdom placed the words: Signature of U.S. Person. Not the owner. Not a corporate officer. Not even a manager. Just some signature of some U.S. Person.

The form does define U.S. Person and according to them that phrase would include any of the following but not limited to any of the following; one of the homeless people that live in the woods behind the business; any one of the night time cleaners; the guy who takes care of the Port-O-John; the exterminator; the fuel delivery person; the yard man; one of the topless dancers from next door at the gentleman’s club; the fry cook at the bowling alley located behind the gentleman’s club; the editor of the local fish wrapper; the alcoholic found sleeping in his car with the motor running in the parking lot of the gentleman’s club next door; and/or the policeman who came to arrest the alcoholic found sleeping in his car with the motor running in the parking lot of the gentleman’s club next door.

It would not however include Mabel or Maybelle, my dog, my cat, the rabbit in my yard, the chickens in Jody’s Trump Towers, Clay’s horse, EB Heron, or my friends from Egypt, France, Italy, Mexico, and possibly the ones in Australia, but then again, it might, as I haven’t seen their papers.

I heard a few years back that the IRS was undertaking a campaign to become the friendlier IRS. Does that mean they are trying to be politically correct? Or have they simply lost their ever loving minds? And why would they let just any ole U.S. Person sign a form that they themselves designed, created, and use to hold us hostage when it comes to taxes?

Who cares? I am a certified, paper and passport carrying U.S. Person, so I signed it.

Deal complete.

I just hope they don’t look too closely at the form because I signed it Sarah Palin. She’s supposed to be a U.S. Person too.


From the life and mind of Wanda M. Argersinger

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About Wanda Argersinger


  1. Too funny. Several years ago I had an issue with the IRS. They kept sending me threatening letters for something I was not guilty of. I would write to them, and they would (eventually) reply that they were behind and I should not attempt to reply to them for at least 6 months. That would be followed by more of the threatening letters. An attempt to call their toll free number was usually met with a message that the waiting time was something up to 13 hours. I finally decided if I waited long enough, they might send an agent to the door. Sure enough, after more than a year, a man appeared at my door, waving his badge, saying that he was from the IRS. I greeted him with, “Finally. I’ve been waiting for you, it seems like forever.” Obviously, that isn’t the usual greeting he gets. I was afraid he was going to go into shock. The look on his face reminded me of the time when I was in Bible college and on house calls in the neighborhood to invite people to our church. One man said, “Are you Jehovah’s witnesses?” The fellow I was paired up with proudly said, “No.” The resident grabbed us each by a hand, pulled us inside, then locked the door behind us as he said, “Good. I am.” We almost missed the bus back to school that day!

  2. Both stories are hysterical! Thank you so much for giving my week a great kickoff!

  3. I would have signed it H.R. Clinton.

  4. Too, too funny, Wanda. I’ve had “meetings” with the IRS too. I guess they get us all sometime. If we could only find a way to speed up the Veterans Admin!

    Janet, you should post that story on your blog.

  5. Maybe it stands for “Unusually Sexy” Person. 😉

  6. You said all the things we think when we see the Utterly Stupid stuff supossedly intelligent people put out to the public. I’m going to see if I can get you a job app, so you can straighten things out there.

    Thanks for the laffs

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