Okay. Let’s get this elastic waist band thing out in the open, discussed and then put around the waist where it belongs. I’ve been hearing and reading a bit too much about this in the past couple of weeks and it’s making me more than a little uncomfortable.
From what I gather, wearing pants with elastic waistbands has become something of a fashion faux pas. Elastic waist bands apparently imply something undesirable, though I’m not sure what.
There have been covert messages being sent and intercepted about places in the back alleys and streets of America where a person can find and purchase pants with elastic waistbands. I suspect that there are elastic waist band pants being sold out of the trunks of cars at discounted prices with the seller claiming that they are the “real deal”.
Secret Sister Societies exist where one can go and learn how to hide the elastic waist band with large buckled belts, tunic blouses, and purses large enough to carry the case files of Bernie Madoff. Alternative non-secret societies exist where wearers of elastic waist bands can go and be proud. You can find both types of societies on the internet using Google.
Coded e-mails seem to indicate and indict anyone who wears elastic waist pants as being in cahoots with The Hamburgler, Cookie Monster, and Akmed The Dead Terrorist. I’m waiting for some guy (and yes, I do know it has to be a guy) to run up to people, snap their waist band and then dutifully record their name and other important information in some book. Thank God that as of today the scanning devices used at airport security can’t detect the elastic waist bands on flyers, though I can see someone ripping the elastic out of their pants and using it to shoot a petrified pretzel at the annoying person a couple rows ahead of them on a long flight. If that were to happen, it wouldn’t be difficult to locate the shooter. Just ask everyone to stand up. The shooter is the one whose pants fall down.
I’ve been receiving e-mails lately that direct me to blogs where I can read warnings about wearing elasticized waist pants to holiday parties lest I eat too much due to the ability of my pants to expand as I expand. Personally I think that’s just good planning.
Other e-mails just spell it out, right there for you to read, – “The holidays are over. We’ve gained five pounds, and since most of us work at home, we wear elastic pants to avoid feeling the extra inch.” Does that mean that we can’t go out of our home if all we wear are pants with elastic waists? That fact alone would keep more than half the people in the South and 98% of the people at the local Wal-Mart in their homes.
God knows that elastic waste bands are dangerous and I completely understand the inherent problems of elastic around the waist. The elastic can snap at any minute allowing the garment to fall to the ground and expose granny panties, unshaved body parts, and/or the back side of the wearer. The waist bands can be ripped apart in an emergency and used as a sling shot. The elastic strands can pop and shoot across a room horribly injuring no one.
Our economy is in such a miserable state right now, imagine how bad it would be without elastic waist bands. All the drive-thrus would have to close because no one could Super Size anything. Tofurkey would replace turkey at Thanksgiving. Fried foods would become a thing of the past causing the South to move because you can’t eat in the South without fried food. The economy might never recover.
If you are a person whose size changes with the wind, and you can’t wear elasticized waist pants, then you are condemned to wearing clothes from Abdul the Tent Maker. Contrary to the rumors being spread right now, there are valid reasons for a change in clothes size. Medications such as prednisone make a person expand so fast the only thing left behind are the stretch marks. Additionally, some careers lead to the wearing of elasticized pants, one of those careers being writing. Ideas must be recorded when they come to mind. Sitting all day and night trying to write something funny requires mega amounts of caffeine, colas, and bags of chips, all of which add to the increased size of a writer’s waist, aiding the economy by using more elastic in the pants said writer wears.
I guess it’s time for the elastic waist band people to stand up, be counted and be proud. If elastic waist bands were outlawed there would be a lot of people walking about without anything covering their naked back sides. I’ve seen enough naked butts, plumber’s cracks, and juvenile wanna be thugs trying to run while holding up their pants to last me a lifetime. If the choice is cracks or elastic, I’ll take the elastic thank you very much.
From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
All Rights Reserved