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Night Terror(s or ists)

If you found out there were drug users in your neighborhood what would you do? What if they came in to your house and took your medications? Yeah, me too.

A few nights ago some terrible racket disturbed my slumber. I don’t sleep much most nights anyway, and unless I am under the influence of Ambien, I sleep with one ear open. Ambien was my sleep partner that night.

I wasn’t sure where the racket was coming from, inside the walls, inside the house or outside. I wasn’t about to run around waving a 9 mm handgun on the off chance that the noise turned out be the neighbors chasing dogs, rabbits, a can of beer or the moon. Besides, I would have to fumble around to find a robe, or shirt, or something else to cover me. A nekkid 50 something year old lady running around the neighborhood waving a 9 mm would do nothing to solve the noise. It would however get me a new sleeping environment for the night, or longer.

I didn’t pay any more attention to the noise that had awakened me in night. Well, I didn’t until a couple days later when I developed a rash on my arm and needed some Benadryl® to calm the associated itch.

I opened the cabinet over the stove where I keep the OTC stuff. I didn’t find the Benadryl®. I did find strange orange ooze dripping from one shelf down to the next. Itching and still in need of the Benadryl®, I ignored the ooze and kept looking for relief. I didn’t touch the ooze, I just ignored it. I forgot the itch when it became apparent that something had been into the OTC meds.

I never put the noise together with drug crazed fiends entering my home. Yes, I do keep some pretty wicked prescription medications in my home. No, none of them are, addictive, induce highs or has street value of more than a nickel or two. (note: This does not include the Ambien.).

When I found the bottle that formerly contained the orange ooze, I panicked. There were teeth marks around the bottom edges of the bottle. Little teeth marks. Mouse, rat, or squirrel teeth marks. Whatever, it or they were, the evidence pointed to a serious drug habit, and not mine. Not only had the orange ooze, formerly known as cough syrup, been consumed, so had most of the plastic bottle it was in. The plastic Tylenol® bottle had been eaten. The pills inside the plastic Tylenol® bottle had been eaten. The box and the plastic wrappers of the electricity conducting gel pads for the Tens unit had been consumed. The plastic jars holding various powders such as foot soak, Epsom salts, and natural stomach aids had been eaten. The powders, note that’s plural, had been gobbled up. Boxes, jars, bottles, it didn’t matter. The drug fiend(s) ate them all trying to get to the drugs. They succeeded.

It/they are smart too. They consumed everything except the medication for constipation. I guess I should be thankful for that. There was already enough crap to clean up. I had no need of experiencing a diarrhea plagued critter(s) running (pun not intended) about my cabinet and elsewhere.

Now not only was I itching, and scratching from the rash, I was itching, cleaning, scratching, cleaning, cursing and cleaning up the mess left from the drug party they had at my expense in my house.

It didn’t take a genius or a drug crazed animal to figure out how they got in to that particular cabinet. The exhaust fan over the stove goes through that cabinet. When the exhaust pipe was enclosed when the new cabinets were installed, there was an inch or so gap left between the enclosing wood and the back of the cabinets. (Don’t ask. The new cabinets and their installation are an entire book all by themselves.) Suffice it to say there was a gap and it needed closing. There are also creatures who need eliminating – from my home and possibly from more.

The hunt began the next day and involved bait, p-nut butter, traps, gizmos, an assault rifle, a bb gun, gloves, masks, air tools, ladders, swim goggles, a swim ring, some flashlights, batteries, a water hose complete with power nozzle, and some things I didn’t recognize. Don’t ask what these things are for. I’m not in charge of critter hunting. I don’t really want to know anything about it.

Number one carpenter son came and sealed the gap. He even used wood and not that foamy stuff in a can used by amateurs.

I haven’t taken Ambien to sleep since the night of the noise. I have this fear of running around the neighborhood waving a 9 mm screaming something about drugged crazed critters in my house. The news the next day would mention drugs, my neighborhood, and an invasion of my home. I just hope they would be kind enough to leave out the reference to my arrest, my name and address.

From the life and mind of:

Wanda M. Argersinger

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About Wanda Argersinger


  1. You do lead an interesting life.

  2. Kim McNiel Smith

    Hmmm…Wanda I have fond the same problem with a critter myself and it was anything but funny when the little beady eyed vermon looked at me, when I opened the pantry door. My husband had to do the same repairs.

  3. Hilarious to picture! So glad you weren’t hurt in all the ruckus. I’m sure you’re glad to know the critter isn’t itching or suffering other ailments.

    I had squirrels in my attic a couple months ago. That was scary enough.

  4. Joyce A. Anthony

    You running around the neighborhood? It seems to me with all those drugs, the critter might grab the shotgun and go on a spree!!!! 🙂

  5. I bet we could get you a tremendous amount of publicity from a YouTube video of you running around the neighborhood waving a 9 mm screaming something about drugged crazed critters in your house. *grin*

    Horrible situation – great story! Thanks for sharing!

  6. I’m with Marti. I want a YouTube video! LOL. I loved it, so funny, and I can picture you in this whole awful situation. Thanks for letting me laugh at-I mean with- you!

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