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Imaginary Fiends

(Yes, that is the right word)

What do you think lives in your dryer? Yeah, me too.

Not so my friend Velma.

According to Velma, her dryer is doing things that a normal dryer just shouldn’t be doing.

Velma puts the clothes in to dry and they come out wrinkled, or de-permanent pressed, or lighter.

That may not sound like such a big thing, but when you hear Velma say it, you would begin to question your own dryer.

“No one wants to be seen at the grocery store in wrinkled clothes.”  A keen observer that Velma.

Velma goes to the store and looks closely at other people to see if they are wearing clothes with wrinkles. She can’t imagine anyone even going to the corner Jr. Store in wrinkled clothes. She obviously has a higher class of people in her Jr. Stores than I do in the stores near me.

Velma never mentions the fact that some people actually iron or press their clothes before wearing them. Or that some clothes come out of the dryer wrinkled no matter what type dryer you have. These facts don’t exist in Velma’s world.

If the clothes continue to get lighter after each run through the dryer, won’t they will eventually weigh nothing and cease to exist?

In Velma’s words, “I recently had an episode.”

 That does not mean she got to be on some television show. It does not mean she blacked out or that she had some sort of seizure, or even low blood sugar. It means she had a mental break. But she’s getting better now.

She knows she is on the road to healing because she is lucid. She can speak using complete sentences. She makes sense. After all, she is telling me her tales of woe about her dryer. Velma herself told me this so it must be the truth, or at least her truth.

But back to that damn dryer.

During the course of our conversation, if you can call it that, Velma told me how her dryer is removing fabric from her clothes. She swears that each time they come out of the dryer they are lighter and she doesn’t mean the color has faded. She means lighter as in weight.

Why just look at all the lint she removes each day from the lint trap. This is evidence to Velma of the underhandedness (does that word work for a dryer) of her dryer.

Her husband offered to put up some lines outside so Velma can use the free Florida solar dryers.

Velma can’t hang her clothes on the line to dry. Either the birds would crap on them or the shoulders of the shirts would get divots (Her word, not mine. Isn’t that a golf term?).

Velma has asked her husband if she could have the repairman come and check the dryer. He saw no reason to pay for a repairman to come check a dryer that is working just fine. He also doesn’t notice the wrinkles or the lighter clothes.

The washer and dryer she has are 17 years old. Did you know that the normal life of a washer and dryer is only 14 years, depending on how you care for them? After that they become possessed demanding retirement by de-permanent pressing clothes, removing fabric, and refusing to remove wrinkles.

Velma called the manufacturer of the washer and dryer to inquire about some fuse that is supposed to exist in the dryer. She thinks maybe the fuse could be the root of all the dryer’s evilness. The manufacturer said they would check on that and get back to her.

In the meantime Velma is left with wrinkled clothes, de-permanent pressed clothes and clothes that weigh less and less each day. Oh yeah, she is also left with one more person who thinks her episode continues.

The last I heard of Velma, her husband, and the dryer was the husband left, perhaps spooked by something in the house. They dryer was still removing fabric from the clothes it dries and Velma is still on the mend.

From the life and mind of:

Wanda M. Argersinger

© 2010 All Rights Reserved

www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

8 comments

  1. Funny! Great giggles early in the morning.

    Velma must either be smoking happy cigarettes or she REALLY wants to buy a new dryer and hubby won’t go for it. I’d try that except I’m the one paying the bills.

  2. Kim McNiel Smith

    LMAO Wanda-I don’t know about anyone else, but the clothes come out weighing less-hell, I’d be throwing myself in the dryer several times daily. LOL. Agreed-way to many “funny cigarettes”. This was hysterical Wanda!

  3. This sounds like our dryer. I thought I was gaining weight but now I understand that it’s the dryer making my shirts smaller. I wonder if I can put some of that lint back into my shirts to make them the size they are supposed to be.

  4. Aha! I knew there had to be some reason why I didn’t have a dryer, but opted for hanging them on the little wooden rack I have (outside in the summer and inside in the winter). The fact that once the washer fit in that little space and didn’t allow for a dryer too had little to do with my decision. However, now that I know that dryers are an effective weight-loss tool, I might have to reconsider it. On the other hand, I haven’t noticed any lint under the rack when it’s out in the yard. (Incidentally, I do have one of those umbrella sort of clothesline deals to install–if I can either figure out the instructions or find a handsome man wandering past, just looking like he’s waiting for something constructive to do. Of course then I’ll have to figure out if anyplace in Podunk Junction sells clothespins!
    Janet Elaine Smith, multi-genre author

  5. Joyce A. Anthony

    LMAO—Only you could make something like laundry hilarious!!!!

  6. Poor Velma. I believe you, Velma, I believe you! These appliances haunt me, too…

  7. Was Velma recently released from “the home”? You have some very interesting friends, good sources for some of your signature humor!

  8. LOL! This viewpoint isn’t as rare as you might think! Grandma is constantly fussing that her clothes are never the same when they come out of the dryer. Of course she blames me, not the appliance *grin*

    Great writing!

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