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Turtle Shoulders



If someone or something is constantly taking things from you, do you hunt them down and shoot them, or just let them do whatever they want? Yeah, me too.

But to be honest, I more than tired of this night time thief.

I have been unable to tell if the thief is a creature of the night or someone playing bad tricks on me. Doesn’t matter. Hate works for both.

I’ve considered setting a trap but I’m sure I would be the one caught in it. I’ve lived with me long enough to know that traps work well when you don’t know where they are and since I forget everything I’m sure I would open a door, spring the trap and be caught and there would be no one around to free me.

You would think that my fancy smancy alarm would let me know about the intruder. Okay. I get it. You have to turn the alarm on if you want it to warn you, but hey, I forget. And besides I keep a high caliber loaded gun beside the bed. I should be able to shoot the thief. Well I would if I woke up during the theft.

The problem is the theft occurred sometime between 1993 and the present. I think.

All I know is that one day I had shoulders capable of holding up my purse, and now I don’t.

I’ve always used shoulder bags and was once proud to say I could put a purse on my shoulder in the morning and it would still be there when I went home at night. It didn’t matter if I was chasing children, wiping grimy faces, running to catch a plane, driving an 18 wheeler, or sleeping – all at the same time. If I didn’t take the bag off my shoulder it was staying put.

Today I couldn’t get it to stay on my shoulder for more than 10 seconds even if I used epoxy and Gorilla Glue. At the same time.

I’ve tried thousands of dollars worth of purses and so many different straps the local dominatrix is jealous of me.

If I try to hold my shoulders up instead of letting them slope I look like a confused turtle. Head in, shoulders up. Head out, shoulders down. It’s a battle that can’t be won.

I just want to know that with all the losses that come over the years, how and when did shoulders get added to the equation.

I understand that without intervention and tons of money, boobs, butts, and brains will eventually sag. But I’ve thrown enough money at the shoulder problem mine should be stiffer that the boobs on a topless dancer.

I’ve looked in the mirror and honestly, I don’t think my shoulders sag. I’m not hunched over. My posture is pretty good most days, which can only lead me to believe there is a thief among us.

Be warned thief.

I have money.

I have a loaded weapon.

I have a new purse.

I am armed.


From the life and mind of Wanda M. Argersinger

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About Wanda Argersinger

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