Run Away Bed

When you read something and you think you read it correctly but aren’t sure, do you shake your head anyway? Yeah, me too.

I just read about bed runners. Uh huh. You heard me, b-e-d r-u-n-n-e-r-s. Bed-Runner

Suffice it to say I am not Martha Stewart, well, not unless you count that stint in jail and very people know about that. But otherwise, I am not her. Nor do I want to be. She’s a bit fussy for me and I could never, ever, keep my house that organized. And besides, I’d probably have to know about things like BED RUNNERS.

Oh, you don’t know about them? Or do? Well follow along as I enlighten you.

Bed runners are like table runners, except for the bed and the fact that they serve no purpose whatsoever and don’t run down the middle of the bed but rather across it at some prescribed place. Don’t ask me where, they wouldn’t tell me.

First, to use one, you would have to make the bed. Nope. Only happens when the linen gets changed.

Second, you should have a coordinated ensemble for your bed to use one. Nope. I don’t buy ensembles or purchase them. I buy sheets, and blankets and the occasional duvet. I like what I use and I use it all the time.

Third, it would constantly get kicked off the end of the bed and become hidden somewhere in the pile of dust I hide under the bed. What’s the use? I can find that dust with my black pants, and they at least cover my legs and look good with my green blouse. Also, I don’t need anything else that can crawl off the end of the bed.

Fourth, and this I read on the internet so I know it’s the truth; bed runners can be used for other things, or at least in other ways. Ways such as hanging them vertically from you canopy. So handy when you find you need to hang yourself, or someone else in the middle of the night. This has happened to me a couple of times. It’s a shame I have no canopy and therefore no handy hanging bed runner.

Fifth, I doubt these things come for free. That means shopping, spending money, lugging the thing home and then being told by someone that it just doesn’t look right.

Sixth, bed runners are usually quilted. Quilted, meaning, little pieces of a thousand different designs of fabric stuck together to resemble the dogs blanket – on a good day.

Seventh, and I kid you not on this, a bed is not considered properly made until the bed runner has been added. Mmmm, hmmmm.

I’ve had bed runners in my life. I gave birth to them and made them quit running on the bed before school age.

I’ve also had bed runners in the form of an afghan, folded at the bed for quick access should a nap come upon you unexpectedly.

Now, I am a busy woman. I barely have time to pull the covers over the bed before I leave in a rush each morning heading for the Prozac. A bed runner would place so much unneeded stress on me. I’m not strong enough for a bed runner.

From the life and mind of Wanda M. Argersinger

© 2014 All Rights Reserved


About Wanda Argersinger


  1. Love it! You always know how to take a quirky new thing and make it funny!

  2. Love it! You always know how to take a quirky new thing and make it funny!

  3. Amen. Even I could not find a good use for it. But I bet ya, good ole Martha just put another good mill in her pocket. Bed Runner. Seriously.
    When I have my mansion, with 17 bedrooms, we’ll go shopping for them suckers, and have the maid make the beds for all of our company. We’ll be so freaking hoity toity.

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