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The Proof Is In The Email

After 56 years I finally know the truth. My parents have been lying to me about my heritage.

I am from the west coast of Africa, Ghana to be specific.

By looking at me you might have doubts.

Forget that I have been told that my paternal grandfather’s family came from Ireland. Forget that they say my uncle traveled there to meet the Irish kin folk. I’ve no tangible proof of this.
Forget that my paternal grandmother’s family spoke Swedish in her home when she was a child and that her maiden name was Hansen.
Forget that I am a blonde with hazel colored eyes; that two of my sisters are blondes and have blue eyes; that the other sister is a red head.

Forget that many of us have freckles.

Forget that we were born in the mid-west. (Shut up. That’s a secret.)

I have irrefutable proof from my relatives in Ghana.

My proof?

E-mail.

Three or four times a day I receive an e-mail from the official Emissary of some relative who died in a tragic manner and left all of their money to me. Said relative died without any heirs so the official Emissary tracked me down and needs to send the money to my bank account here in the States.

It is of urgent importance. He told me this in the e-mail. The money must be moved out of the country before it and he are discovered.

Apparently Uncle Abdouhl el_Kamal Hinney was not liked by all people. During the coup against his regime, in some previously unknown territory, my uncle was beheaded. His fortune survived while he did not.

Now it’s mine, all mine.

Well, all of it except the fee for the great risk the official Emissary is taking; and the transfer fees; and the monetary conversion fee; and the fee for the official document stamps; and the fees spent in locating me, the only living relative; and the fees needed to spirit the money out of Ghana.

But I am told it is still a great sum of money, approximately $50,000,000. That’s million people.

I’m not sure if that is before or after the fees. I’m also not told what the fees are. But hey, my uncle went through all this trouble, after he was dead, to make sure the money made it in to my hands.

Apparently the news of my relatives in West Africa has spread. People there have great faith in me, or so I am told via e-mail.

I am such a wonderful person that I have also been contacted by Mrs. Mary Youva Bin Takin about the unfortunate demise of her husband at the hands of rebels. It’s such a tragic story. Not only was he killed but she is now dying of cancer. They have no children, but they have managed to locate me, the only kind soul left on this earth to whom they can entrust his fortunes to use for the good of mankind. He made her swear, before his death, that she would get the money out of their country and in to the hands of a person who would do something good with it.

Once again I do not know exactly how the fortune was amassed. Mrs. Mary Youva Bin Takin does not say that she needs any of the money for the treatment of her cancer. She does not speak of an official Emissary. She does however ask for my personal information only to verify I am who I say I am.

I have a problem with this last request.

For all these years I thought I was of European ancestry. Now I find out via e-mail that my relatives are in West Africa. How can I be sure of anything?

I’m awaiting a confirming e-mail to clarify all of this for me. I’m quite sure it will arrive today complete with photos, a family tree, and verifiably forged documents. I may need to send them my personal information first.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2010 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

10 comments

  1. Ghana, huh? We’re from Nigeria and have the same wealthy relatives who address us a “Beloved” and “Most Dearest”. If we decide to go for a family reunion sometime, you can hitch a ride with us and we’ll drop you off!

  2. Ah, yes. Many of my long lost kinfolk actually come from the UK and come via one bank or another. As a “Smith,” how many of them can there be in the UK? And forget the fact that my maiden name was Hallett, so how can I be descended from all these Smiths? And back when I was writing for (the now defunct) Heritage Quest Magazine, which dealt with genealogy, I was constantly amazed by how many men in prison were sure that we were “from the same Smith family.” My final conclusion was that they were trying some genetic string to pin their guilt on. “I’m really not a bad guy; my genes made me do it!”
    Janet Elaine Smtih, multi-genre author

  3. How odd the modern day of genealogy because in spite of my (I was told), heritage of Lithuanian, ScotchIrish, I am actually of Nigerean descent. But if their currency exchange rate is anything like the Italian (2000 lire = 1 dollar), of several years ago then I suspect their millions of dollars would turn out to be under five hundred of ours. Not bad but after all the fees and such, I would end up owing them a few thousand American.
    No, I’ll stick with the ScotchIrish.

  4. Wow! So Lucky to be from Ghana. (I love those names esp. Mary’s) I have relatives in Nigeria. And – I won the Australian lottery, which is really great since I didn’t buy a ticket. Let’s have a big party when all our loot comes in. From the looks of your comments, there are several of us, which should make for lots of fun. Perhaps a round the world cruise on a giant yacht?

  5. I think I saw this on an episode of “General Hospital”.

  6. I, too, am Nigerian! Despite my Wanda-like facade! Imagine that!
    Loved this, my friend. Super super funny and well-written!

  7. LOL! I loved the names of your “relatives”! Thanks for the giggles!

  8. OMG!!! You and I must be related. Long lost sisters and all that. Who’d’a thought my Irish heritage was such a hoax. I’m SO pleased to meet you sis.

  9. To Wanda and all my cousins out there. I guess this is why America is called the great melting e-pot.

  10. Girl…I’ve got all of you beat…I have Iranian Jew in me and Cherokee Indian and Gypsy as well as English and Irish.

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