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Don’t You Just Love A Good One Night Stand?

I slept with Omar last night.

Oh don’t get all self-righteous on me. It wasn’t my fault.

It all began rather innocently, but then, don’t all one night stands?

I was trying to track down an errant shipment.

One placed over a month ago.

One for which I have an order number that works and a USPS tracking number that doesn’t work. It’s invalid.

In very late October I ordered three Christmas presents, on-line, from a national retailer who dropped their ampersand last name in favor of a giant “K”. It’s December now and the gifts still have not arrived.

I went online to track them only to discover the tracking number is not valid.

I launched a chat with someone in the retailer’s on-line customer service department located in India, Guatemala, Outer Mongolia, or some other non-English speaking country. They gave me my order number and the same USPS tracking number I already have. I was then told because I had ordered on-line I would need to contact the customer service department via telephone.

I called the number, spoke to Keisha, who told me I would have to call a different number and that came after I was told the system was updating and she could not make any promises as to whether or not she would even be able to retrieve my information. I informed Keisha that she was useless. She agreed. I called the other number and got some voice mail.

I was pissed. I called the local store and spoke to Stephanie who swore she would resolve my problem. I was accidently (yeah, right) transferred to John in “Security and Validation” who told me, and I quote, “you got the one department that has access to less information than anyone.” He was going to transfer me to Keshandra.

I was disconnected.

I was under-medicated for this problem, and not drinking yet.

Now two hours in to this process I was not giving up. I dialed the local customer service number and Omar answered.

Omar is not local. He works at the retailer’s customer service center in Arizona. He assured me he could help, after his system updates annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd reboots. He did hang in there though.

I began to drink.

During the reboot process I learned that Omar needs a haircut, likes his 501 Levis, is a surfer, has been to the North Shore, and suffers from neuralgia.

We had become intimate.

I informed Omar that I was a writer, was up before “OMG it’s early” every morning, and in about two more minutes I would be asleep. That means officially he and I slept together and I would tell the world of this fact.

He blushed. I could feel the heat through the phone.

That statement did not get me the answer that I was seeking. He did, however, offer a three-way.

Telephone conference that is. With Maya.

The two-way was more fun.

Maya told me her system was updating and asked if I would mind calling back in 30 or 40 minutes.

Up until this point I had been a sweet southern lady. I now became one pissed off bitch. With Omar, my one night Arizona stand still on the phone, I informed Maya that I would not call back. That this was not my problem it was hers. That I had now spent 16 days on the phone and been around the world with the customer service departments of this retailer, had not enjoyed one minute of the trip, and I would not hang up until I got a satisfactory answer.

It wasn’t long before Omar said he had to leave. Something about me screwing up his statistics.

That wasn’t all I was going to screw up.

I told Omar good-night but kept Maya on the phone. Omar had, after all, been the only fun part of this entire process. Maya told me I would need to call the voice mail number again. I told her I would call the Better Business Bureau.

She told me I had not actually purchased the product from this giant retailer and I would need to contact the third party vendor – the owner of the voice mail telephone number. I told her I had, in fact, purchased it on their website and they had, in fact, received the money. I also informed her that this giant retailer had more power over the crappy third party vendor than I would ever have and that if said giant retailer allowed crappy third party vendors to advertise on the giant retailer’s website, then they should fire the crappy third party vendors.

The only thing Maya could say was, “I understand your frustration.”

Trust me. She didn’t have a clue about my frustration.

It was becoming evident that my one night stand was ending in a stand-off.

I believe Maya was trained by guerillas. She hung in there. We ended with her promise (yeah, right) that some senior person at this giant retailer would contact the third party vendor and I would receive a call within 24 hours to let me know where my Christmas gifts are.

As soon as the BBB opens this morning I am going to place a call to them.

Do you think it’s possible to lodge a complaint against this giant retailer and then ask them for Omar’s direct number? I’d love to let him know I’ve reported our one-night stand to the rest of the world.

(This one’s for you Omar. I keep my promises.)

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2010 All Rights Reserved

About Wanda Argersinger

12 comments

  1. Give ’em hell, Wanda! If you can find a number for the corporate office, call them and refuse to hang up until you talk to the CEO!

  2. Hell hath no fury like a hormonal sober female without her Christmas gifts! I thought I saw a strange red glow in my southern sky last night.

  3. Wanda,I need you to help me get my six-month overdue rebate from Time Warner. I got the same damn run around. Talked with several nice folks in India though. would never had the chance to meet them if TW had not reached out and touched me.
    I see now why they say “pay with a credit card” in case there is a problem.

    Jay Hudson

  4. Oh, I hear you on this one, Wanda. I recently called Amazon (after looking for a number for months) and ended up with some woman in the Philipines. Now I have friends from the Philipines, but they live here now. I called one of them to see if they could help. Nope, no such luck. (He is still a friend, in spite of his uselessness in this case.) I still have no clue about how to get the thing resolved with Amazon.
    Meanwhile, the last time I had to track something from UPS, I did actually talk to somebody in the mid-Atlantic area. That was after going through 103 (app.) various voice-mail options. By that time, I figured they owed me something for my time, so I proceeded to sell the guy some of my books when he asked me, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
    Janet Elaine Smith, multi-genre author

  5. Only you can find humor when you are about ready to snap off some heads….LOL

  6. Good job, Wanda. You added to your blog fans and Janet sold a book. Have you recovered yet?

  7. Well after all that, I hope someone’s head rolls and I hope you get your Christmas presents. You should try to talk to people who want to send you emails of one sort or another when you don’t have internet. I can’t claim that any more but it used to be like I was talking a different language. No matter where these people were over the world, they couldn’t seem to comprehend the concept of not having email.

  8. Down with the man!!!!! It looks like you have accessed your Ralph Nader part of your brain. Its amazing in a world where customer service means so much to consumers it means even less to retailers.
    Never trust a one letter company!!!!!!!!

  9. hey wanda that night was the best thanks i had so much fn on that call made me love my job a whole lot better i wish there was mre we can get done for you but somethings are outta my hand. o and your husband was hilarious lol. i thank you a lot for keeping your promise please write back to me to my email id really like to know if u got your stuff back and maybe we can have another night. lol YES PEOPLE IT IS ME OMAR ENCINAS LOCATED IN SOUTHERN TUCSON AZTHE OMAR SHE IS TALKING ABOUT IN HER PAGE

  10. Ooh, he’s cute, Wanda! Gotta love a man who follows up after a date! LOL

  11. Ha of course I do LOL. Wanda is the coolest person to talk to on the phone LOL. I still haven’t heard from you Wanda. 🙁

  12. Oh, Omar. What a charmer you are! Does it run in the family? Is your grandpa single?

    Wish all businesses had customer service people like you. I went to the Verizon store today. And was helped by a really big hearted man (if you get my drift) and few words. But he finished the job in reasonable time and didn’t act like I was a total dodo, just a semi-dodo.

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