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Midnight Crappers

Holy chocolate!

Who crapped in my bed?

I mean it.

I demand to know who crapped in my bed.

I have no dogs living in my house.

I have no cats living in my house.

I have no young children living in my house.

The three bears would find it intolerable in my house.

Basically I have me living in my house and I was housetrained over 50 years ago.

And yet, there is a pile of crap in my bed.

So once again I ask, who crept in to my bed and crapped?

One night last week, weary from the day, exhausted from the drama, I crawled in to bed to relax and sleep.

There are approximately 6 pillows on my bed at all times. I tried to rearrange the pillows to my sleeping position. One pillow refused to move. No one gave the pillow the right to have its own mind. It is supposed to move as I want it to.

I investigated the unwilling pillow and found it wedged to the bed by a pile of dried brown stuff. Stuff that looked like crap.

I do, on occasion, take Ambien to help me sleep.

I know that there are those who wander and eat while on Ambien.

Are there those who take Ambien, wander and crap in stranger’s beds?

Nocturnal munching has never been my problem. I normally send unintelligent text messages or make long distance calls to friends who never answer. That has been the extent of my bizarre behavior on Ambien.

So how did the crap get on my sheets and how long had it been there that it could seal the pillow to the bed?

Ewwww. Just ewwww.

I change my sheets every week.

I launder the sheets as soon as they come off the bed.

I use clean sheets to remake the bed.

A few weeks ago I did notice baking flour on the stove when I went to the kitchen one morning. Flour. Yup. The kind you make cookies with. On the stove. At 4 a.m. It had not been cooked. There were no warm cookies. There was no sausage gravy. There was only white flour. I didn’t find any on my hands. I didn’t see flour footprints from the kitchen to my bedroom. I don’t wander and eat and even if I did who could eat dry baking flour?

I forgot about it.

Until I found crap in my bed.

I was going to be the one who had to clean the crap up, change the linens and then wash the crappy linens. I geared up for the assault. Mask. Gloves. Knife. Scissors. Air freshner. Plastic bags. I was ready.

I tried once again to pull the pillow free from the sheet. It moved.

Sort of.

This brown crap is the strangest I’ve dealt with, and having raised 2 sons, I’ve dealt with my share of crap.

It seems to remain attached to the sheet but allow the pillow to move away. In essence, it was stretching.

Farther.

Farther.

Farther, but never letting go of the sheet.

The stretchy part was more golden than brown.

No. I am not examining the crap, just commenting on what I see.

I took the knife and began to scrape the crap from the sheet. It was pretty solid and didn’t take a lot of work to remove.

I threw it in the plastic bag. I then went after the pillow where the crap now had a long umbilical tail where it had been attached to the sheet. It took more work, but I eventually got it free. I threw it in the plastic bag.

I picked up the pillow to remove the case to be washed.

Hmmmm.

Milk Duds!

I found a box of Milk Duds.

An open box of Milk Duds.

On the bed, under the pillow. And not an empty box.

Who’s been eating Milk Duds and in my bed?

Holy crap! The crap in the bed is a melted Milk Dud – or two, or three.

Could I have been eating them in my sleep? I do like them.

Could I have dropped one on the way from my hand to my mouth? I do drop things.

Could I have slept on it thus creating my own mess? Well, I am messy but I swear it’s only when I am awake.

Could I have done all of this and not realized what I was doing or had done?

Am I the midnight crapper in my own home?

Surely not me!

I swear, I don’t remember it, so it can’t be so.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2011 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

8 comments

  1. Funny, Wanda! Milk Duds! I occasionally find almonds in my bed. But I know how they got there. I’m the original midnight snacker.

  2. Milk duds? Really, Wanda! I laughed until the tears ran down my cheeks. It reminded me of my parents. When my dad had a sore throat he insisted on chewing on black licorice. Sometimes he would go to sleep with a piece of it in his mouth, and of course it would seep out and run down onto his pillowcase. Finally, Mother died a pillowcase black, and she insisted that he tell her ahead of time when he was going to go to bed with his licorice so she could put the black pillowcase on for him.
    Janet Elaine Smith, multi-genre author

  3. Wanda,
    You don’t work in your sleep,go for rides down the street in your sleep,talk on the phone while asleep. You are missing half of your available time.
    I don’t eat in bed but I eat while sleeping in my recliner.Camilla has to un-choke me frequently.
    I ate a lot of Milk duds when I was a kid,but I don’t want to eat any now,not for awhile anyway.I tend to remember almost everything, and in technicolor.

  4. OMG. I lived through Ambien. I would get up in the middle of the night, cook things in the microwave. My husband would find chocolate and powder and all kinds of stuff all over the kitchen in the morning. I also emailed under the influence. People got whole email messages from me with no vowels. And then there was a chapter I wrote in my book, which strangely enough, turned out pretty good, once I added the vowels and changed around a few words that made no sense. I also can talk on the phone and not remember talking to the person.

  5. Grandma takes Ambien sometimes, and I’m sure she gets up and does weird things. I’ve gotten there in the morning and there will be piles of freshly-washed laundry on the guest bed. I’ll say, “Do you want me to fold these sheets up?” and she’ll deny washing them. It’s either the Ambien or she has laundry fairies 🙂

    I’m glad you discovered that it was Milk Duds and not…well, you know. Great piece!

  6. Here’s a hint. Poop stinks loooong before it solidifies! Skip the Ambien, you are funny enough without it.

  7. Yeah, I think I agree with Jo here. I happen to like my nights just the way they are and would never tinker with them. haha Cute tale though, I was cringing right along with you. haha

  8. HOLY CRAP BATMAN!!!!!

    Only you can take a simple treat and turn it into one of lifes great mysteries! Thank god it wasn’t a Baby Ruth (See Caddyshack).
    By the way when I was a wee lad I once made my brother throw up using a handful of Raisinettes!

    Fight The Power!!!!

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