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Screw You New Year

It’s January 25, 2011. Six more days and this entire month of 2011 will be gone.

Difficult to believe but when I put the year in this context I understand it makes a little bit of sense.

I just realized that I still have 340 days to screw up this year. Don’t get huffy and all self righteous on me.

It’s not that I plan to screw the year up. It’s just that using my past as a predictor of the future, the odds are pretty good that before these 340 remaining days are gone, I will have done a really good job of screwing up the year.

In the past few years I have screwed up:
• by being lost everywhere I go anytime I travel
• by wearing mismatched shoes all day while at work
• by wrecking my vehicle, more than once
• by ripping off parts of my eyebrow
• by wearing my underwear inside out, and often
• by typing unrecognizable words and then posting them for the entire world to see
• by arriving at appointments a day early or a day late
• by practicing creative accounting
• by calling everyone by the wrong name including my two sons
• by locking my keys, purse, and cell phone in the car while the car was running
• by baking pies in ready to bake pie crusts with the waxed paper still in the crust
• by completely forgetting words and thoughts mid-sentence on a daily basis
• by being run over by a boat – while in my car
• by running over trees on a bridge in my new purple Mustang
• by not clearing security at the airport due to underwire bras
• by wearing neon orange panties under white slacks
• by over reacting, under reacting, or failing to react at all
• and by doing various other foibles too numerous to mention

Knowing all of this, which is just the stuff from my short list, how can I expect anything other than another year of screw ups? I have such a glorious history and now have developed somewhat of a reputation to live up to. It’s not the reputation I wanted, but by God I earned it, and earned it the hard way.

In the first 25 days of 2011 I have already printed government forms upside down on the forms so you would have to stand on your head to read them. I have lost 2 books, one fountain pen that was a gift from a friend, jammed 2 printers / copiers, been lost in Tallahassee going to a place I have gone to many times, spilled stuff all over myself, been early, been late, tripped ripping my pants and embedding gravel in my knee, created enough new swear words to write my own book, missed deadlines, created new deadlines, wrote stories without endings and wish I could remember what they were supposed to be, practiced a new form of accounting, and gained enough weight to create at least one new person.

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions this year. It seemed pointless. I would just break them anyway. No, I am not a gloom and doom person or even one who believes in pre-determined paths. I just have a history and even my history has been known to repeat itself, and re-repeat, and even re-re-repeat.

In the remaining 340 days of this year, I suspect I will be doing much of the same as last year. I do hope I can do a few new things to keep life interesting.

I wish to spill liquid on someone else. I hope to see others wearing inappropriate underwear.

I want to watch others forget their names without the aid of liquor.

I want some other person to be in charge when we figure out we are lost again, and want someone other than me to create wicked but inedible foods by forgetting to add the required sugar, salt, eggs or leavening product.

I want the chance to make others the subject of my writing so I can leave me alone.

Here’s to the next 340 days of 2011.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2011 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

6 comments

  1. Funny, Wanda. Great writing.

    Give yourself a break. That list sounds like you are thinking about one thing or a multitude of things while doing another. Can you slow down a bit, take some deep breaths and try to stay in the moment?

    I still do some of those things to but not nearly as much as I used to, because I try to focus on what I’m doing at the time. Remember Mike’s blog about multi-tasking.

    Hey, I want to see that new swear word book. I’m running out of creative expressions.

  2. Wanda,
    I left the eggs out of the pumpkin pie, after I refused to buy canned pumpkin and roasted one in the oven all day long; thinking I was going to bake my family an authentic version, so I agree with you “screw 2011” and “screw the government.”

    Rosie

  3. I baked a Schwan pizza, following directions, for the cute young fellow that spent New Years Eve with me. It said it included its own baking sheet, and it gave directions for a conventional oven. Well, when he held the first piece up in the air, after really fighting to get it off the pan, he said, “Hmm, extra fiber.” Yup, the pan had melted right into the pizza. He said, “One day we will look back and laugh at this.” He’d already about busted a gut laughing! Anyway, I figured I’d saved the worst for the end of the year so I was safe for 2011. Somehow, that hasn’t worked! Just think what damage we could do if we lived near each other!
    Janet

  4. But Wanda, if you didn’t have all that assorted events to screw up your days, what would be left? You would be bored within a week. Make the most of your various exciting events and just blame it on someone else. You were wearing orange panties under your white pants because the dog was laying on the white ones. You have to wear underwires because they didn’t have anything else in the store at the time. You left the wax paper on the pie crust because the directions on the box didn’t say to remove it (course you might have to use a marker and make that a truth or relocate the price-tag over it) Imagine how much fun you can have thinking up who you can blame next and why.

  5. If I lived closer, we could do all of those things together! Wouldn’t that be fun?

  6. You are rubbing off on me. Or like water, we are seeking our own level jointly. Got to write about renewed passports and split jeans this week so you won’t feel alone.

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