It’s January 25, 2011. Six more days and this entire month of 2011 will be gone.
Difficult to believe but when I put the year in this context I understand it makes a little bit of sense.
I just realized that I still have 340 days to screw up this year. Don’t get huffy and all self righteous on me.
It’s not that I plan to screw the year up. It’s just that using my past as a predictor of the future, the odds are pretty good that before these 340 remaining days are gone, I will have done a really good job of screwing up the year.
In the past few years I have screwed up:
• by being lost everywhere I go anytime I travel
• by wearing mismatched shoes all day while at work
• by wrecking my vehicle, more than once
• by ripping off parts of my eyebrow
• by wearing my underwear inside out, and often
• by typing unrecognizable words and then posting them for the entire world to see
• by arriving at appointments a day early or a day late
• by practicing creative accounting
• by calling everyone by the wrong name including my two sons
• by locking my keys, purse, and cell phone in the car while the car was running
• by baking pies in ready to bake pie crusts with the waxed paper still in the crust
• by completely forgetting words and thoughts mid-sentence on a daily basis
• by being run over by a boat – while in my car
• by running over trees on a bridge in my new purple Mustang
• by not clearing security at the airport due to underwire bras
• by wearing neon orange panties under white slacks
• by over reacting, under reacting, or failing to react at all
• and by doing various other foibles too numerous to mention
Knowing all of this, which is just the stuff from my short list, how can I expect anything other than another year of screw ups? I have such a glorious history and now have developed somewhat of a reputation to live up to. It’s not the reputation I wanted, but by God I earned it, and earned it the hard way.
In the first 25 days of 2011 I have already printed government forms upside down on the forms so you would have to stand on your head to read them. I have lost 2 books, one fountain pen that was a gift from a friend, jammed 2 printers / copiers, been lost in Tallahassee going to a place I have gone to many times, spilled stuff all over myself, been early, been late, tripped ripping my pants and embedding gravel in my knee, created enough new swear words to write my own book, missed deadlines, created new deadlines, wrote stories without endings and wish I could remember what they were supposed to be, practiced a new form of accounting, and gained enough weight to create at least one new person.
I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions this year. It seemed pointless. I would just break them anyway. No, I am not a gloom and doom person or even one who believes in pre-determined paths. I just have a history and even my history has been known to repeat itself, and re-repeat, and even re-re-repeat.
In the remaining 340 days of this year, I suspect I will be doing much of the same as last year. I do hope I can do a few new things to keep life interesting.
I wish to spill liquid on someone else. I hope to see others wearing inappropriate underwear.
I want to watch others forget their names without the aid of liquor.
I want some other person to be in charge when we figure out we are lost again, and want someone other than me to create wicked but inedible foods by forgetting to add the required sugar, salt, eggs or leavening product.
I want the chance to make others the subject of my writing so I can leave me alone.
Here’s to the next 340 days of 2011.
From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
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