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Tight Tooshie My Ass!

God, what was I thinking?  I’ve done it before without this many problems, so what went wrong this time? Okay. I haven’t done it in a few years, well maybe 5 or 10, but why should that matter? I can hardly walk and that standing up and sitting down movement is damn near impossible for me to accomplish without the aid of a couple other people assisting me, holding me and guiding me in those up and down movements. Gilad’s Total Body Sculpt might work, if you can survive the pain, the problem of not being able to get to a standing position if you are sitting or get to a sitting position if you are standing. For those of you who don’t know, Gilad is that masochistic exercise guru with a tightly toned body on FIT TV.

At my age why would I even care about a sculpted body? Who would look or give 2 damns about a tight ass or any other tight thing on a fifty-something year old body? If my ass is toned that will just lead to find a way to tone the other currently sagging body parts. It could become a vicious cycle and I’m not sure I’m up to looking that good.

These days I am thinking in step-saver mode. Everything I do, every movement has to accomplish 3 or more things before I can will my sore, aching, untoned muscles to move. Getting out of bed involves grabbing the covers before getting out and straightening them so when I roll out, the bed is made. Once on the floor, on hands and knees mind you, I can dust the bed frame, pick up the feathers that have fallen under the bed and inventory the accumulated lost items that gravitate to the carpet under the bed. Crawling to the bathroom on hands and knees gives me a new opportunity for dusting baseboards, polishing the legs of furniture and retrieving long lost pennies. Once in the bathroom it’s easy to clean the floors, scrub the tub, and clean out the cabinet below the sink. It is not, however, easy to stand or use the now clean facilities.

I know that I should climb back on the proverbial “horse that threw me” but right now I can’t stand, so climbing is more in the range of impossible than probable. Even the idea of walking the soreness out is not in the realm of my mind and my mind is in more control now than my body. My body simply cries in pain while the mind laughs. It’s an evil thing this mind of mine. But you know how those younger minds are these days. Mine is no exception. I keep thinking it may grow up or mature one day, but I am beginning to believe that will never happen.

I even considered trying to ride my bike to ease the soreness. Ha ha. The only way I can get to my tennis shoes to put them on my feet is by falling to the floor. I tried that once. I ended up unconscious, with bruises. Even if I could get the shoes on I would have to hike one leg high enough to swing it over the bike. Hiking and swinging are not in my current range of motion let alone the resulting falling, crawling, and groveling. I also have a very low tolerance for pain and blood, especially my blood.

So here I sit, on my untoned, sore ass moving with extremely sore thighs. Sitting because I can’t stand. The pain is too intense and even I don’t have access to that many pain killers.

 From the land and mind of:

Wanda M. Argersinger

All Rights Reserved 2009


About Wanda Argersinger

One comment

  1. I feel your pain. The first time I worked out when I got my job at the gym I worked out for seven and a half minutes and hurt for 3 days. Adam had to help me down to the toilet so I could pee…lol

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