What is happening in this country that we have become such an inept, unskilled, inadequate collective of citizens? I just found out this morning that I am among this group. I say this without shame. I just don’t have the time anymore to be all that I apparently should be, and didn’t even have the time to know this fact.
I was made aware this morning of my inadequacies with regards to cutting square brownies. I didn’t know this was a requirement. I often bake them in a round pan so, excuse me. I am really inadequate.
Some inventor/wannabemillionaire, who in all probabilities will reach that goal at my expense, has designed a pan that cuts eighteen perfectly square brownies. Everyone, meaning the edge people, can now have the piece they want, that piece being the crunchy edge and the soft center. That is, if the person using the pan can manage to bake them perfectly and not over or under cook them as I would do. And, as an added bonus, the eighteen cutter insert separates from the pan. So, set the pan on a tall serving plate that perfectly fits the pan, and the pan falls away. Remove the insert, and voila’, eighteen perfect brownies waiting for someone who gives a shit, to eat them.
As for my family, it doesn’t matter what shape they are. The smell of baking brownies brings them in droves, salivating by the oven until they are cool enough to eat without burning the tongue. That normally takes about 9.2 seconds from oven to mouth. They are used to heat in my house. I throw it at them often enough.
If that isn’t enough to make you feel inadequate take the next offering of the wannabemillionaire on television. This poor young girl is sitting on her bed lamenting about how her life has been ruined. She can’t wear the ‘show all tops’ her friends wear. She is so embarrassed in her bikini that she won’t wear it in public. Just where she will wear it she never reveals. She feels inadequate as a woman. (Okay, I have to say here I’ve heard this lament from women who have had hysterectomies, but a scar. Come on. Don’t we all have them from some childhood accident? My stand is that if you don’t have at least one scar you are doing something wrong and not living to your fullest. And no, I am not sorry if that offends the scarless of the world.) All of this due to some scar you never see, but are led to believe is hideous and has ruined her life forever. You can almost hear the tears in her voice. Until……
This young girl has discovered a product called BioOil. It is some miraculous concoction of precious oils, or cow placenta, or free range chicken poop, that has scar minimizing properties. You can purchase online or via telephone for only $19.95 plus shipping of $9.95 if you act in the next ten minutes. She has used it and it has made her adequate. The commercial never tells you or even shows the before and after shots that I so wanted to see. Hey. If I am going to spend my hard earned money on something to make me feel adequate, I want, no deserve, to see before and after photos. I guess the powers that be that produced the commercial, thought those shots might scar us for life. Damn. They missed a good marketing ploy. Just think, they could have sold more BioOil to those of us who were newly scarred by their commercial.
From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
All Rights Reserved 2009