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When Aliens Attack

If you knew you were under some sort of invasion or attack how would you react? Yeah, me too and it didn’t work.

I am an over achiever when it comes to avoiding colds, the flu, the plague, lice, bed bugs, and other highly communicable diseases. I wash before and after everything I do. I have to be as I have an auto-immune disease, which basically means I am immune to the workings of any and all drugs costing less than $2,000 per month. I consume huge quantities of Germ-X, Germ-B-Gone, Germ-Stay-Away, Germ-a-cide, and other hand, arm, and hair sanitizers. As long as the germ carrying beasties that I come in contact with are adults, I am successful.

Introduce one little germ carrying grandchild, and I succumb faster than doodle-buggers digging for cool sand in July, in the South.

Those little mucous factories get near me and I’m a goner for sure.

Their aliens become my aliens.

They get well in three days and three weeks later I’m still hosting an invasion of unwanted guests.
I want to know why it takes all the energy I have to manufacture mucous I don’t want and can’t get rid of. Add in a cough that has broken ribs, frightened children in the night, and taken my already sexy, throaty voice to a deeper level, and I look and sound like a slime monster. And not a very friendly one.

On the second day of any given infestation from the mucous monsters, I haul myself out of bed, manage to put some clothes on, calm the voices in my head, and drag my dead butt (and other parts) to the doctor. By day two I have already develop bronchitis and find it difficult to get enough oxygen to support me, let alone support the colony of invaders who have set up household inside my very being.

The doctor diagnoses bronchitis, a sinus infection, fluid in the ears, bags under the eyes, missing nail polish, and the grand opening of Mucous Is Us complete with attendance by lungs and sinuses. She prescribes antibiotics to gun them down and suggests I try any and every sinus drying product available, none of which work on drying the sinuses. They do however work on drying everything else including mouth, hands, hair, skin and is affecting my friends as far away as Crotch Dust, MS.

In the past weeks I’ve consumed five cases of bottled water, three liters of soda, five boxes of tissue, three tooth brushes, one box of chocolate cookies, and still the inside of my cheeks won’t let go of each other. Any time I try to eat real food it sticks in my dry throat. I cough like I’m losing my lungs, and everyone within half a mile runs to make sure I’m ok. Try to tell anyone you aren’t dying when you are coughing so hard you need Pampers.

When the coughing fit subsides you don’t want to sit around reassuring others that you didn’t die. You need a change and you’re the one who has to do it.

I’m now over half way through day eight of the invasion. I am happy to report that we have the mucous monsters on the run though I can still hear their footsteps in my head just about the time the sun goes down every night. We have won a few battles, including but not limited to, two hours of uninterrupted sleep. I can also sit upright, walk and am now able to speak more than two words in a row without being subjected to a coughing fit.

My daily diet currently consists of eight pills to dry the sinuses, two pills to shut down the mucous factory, one or two pills to control the cough (hack, hack), 15 bottles of water, and a sleeping pill. The mucous army marches on, but I see victory in the next month or so.

I am happy to report I am on my way to once again being well. Ok, maybe not well, but at least damn good.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2010 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

8 comments

  1. I don’t know how you make illness sound funny, but am so glad you can. We have to laugh, otherwise we’ll cry. So glad you are feeling better.

  2. Well, you know they say laughter is the best medicine! Hope you’re laughing at this as much as everyone who reads it!

  3. My sympathies, Wanda, although I find it a bit hard to relate at the moment. Last winter I had the first real cold I’d had in years, and fighting it was contingent to attacking the government, and we all know that’s a winning battle. So, every day when I wake up if I can breathe clearly and my head isn’t spinning and my tummy isn’t gurgling, I say a quick “Thank you, Lord.” I hope you will soon be able to join me in my daily routine.
    Janet Elaine Smith, multi-genre author

  4. Wanda ,I’m not allowed to practice medicine any moe,but sometimes I can’t stop myself. A few years ago when the baby-killing flu scare was raging we started using plain old baby wipes constantly. Every time we went shopping we used one on the door handles,the buggy handles, the gas pumps for sure ’cause you know other rednecks will blow their nose and wipe with the hands or arms.yuck! WE found a little store chain called Maxway that seels the bwby wipes for $1 a pack. Others charge up to $3 a pack for the same identical wipe. They have worked for us. We haven’t had a cold in several years. I would ask my doctor about an inhaler like Maxair or Xopenex too when it””’s bronchitis. Bronchitis is serious, Not to be sneezed at lightly. I have found that most doctors are ignorant about many thjngs. The inhaler will loosen the mucous so it is easier to expel . DO NO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ever take ADVAIR Spiriva may be as dangerous.. I know first hand the deadly effects of these inhalers.

  5. Do you remember some time back when you opened the door to that unknown gent? You did so against your better judgment, right? You obeyed his instructions, right? Your encyclopedias never arrived, did they? Honestly, I try and warn people about *Them* all the time….

  6. Ok, I’ll see your mucous and raise you one headache and a class of kindergarten kids.

  7. I love this blog. I have passed along to you, The One Lovely Blog award. You can check out and pick up the award at: http://AnnaLWalls.blogspot.com

  8. At the moment, I don’t have health insurance and a little leary about even reading your post :). I am a long-time childcare provider and no matter how hard I try to keep the germs away, I’m invariably the one who gets the sickest. Last year, I got that dreaded H1N1. My doctor asked me, “How did you expect to run away from it when you can’t have the shot and you take care of kids?” There is never enough Clorox Wipes in my home.

    I am glad to hear you are feeling better Wanda! Take care.

    JoAnne

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