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I Can’t Get There From Anywhere

Do you live in one of those towns or cities where the street names make absolutely no sense? Yeah, me too, but I think my city takes the prize.

Just yesterday I was sitting at my desk working when a resume was handed to me.

I noted the name.

I reviewed the qualifications.

I looked to see where the candidate lives.

I noted the address.

Huh?

This person lives at 869 ½ West 9 ½ Mile Road.

Yes. You read that correctly.

9 ½ Mile Road.

What kind of screwed up urban planning committee would name streets in half numbers.

Did they run out of names and just start throwing numbers on the streets?

Are they also running out of whole numbers forcing them to resort to using fractions?

Don’t they know that no one on earth likes fractions?

Is this a subversive plot by a mad mathematician who is hell bent on forcing the entire city to recognize the existence of fractions?

I don’t know about you but all the devices in my car measure by entire miles, or kilometers. In whole numbers. Count me as a device in my car and I don’t do fractions.

If that isn’t bad enough, we had some guy on the planning council who must have owed a lot of favors to people. There is one street in my city that has 6 names going from east to west. They are, Perry Ave., Bayou Blvd, Brent Lane, Beverly Pkwy., Michigan Ave., and finally Saufley Field Road. Try giving an out of towner directions to somewhere in that mess. Fortunately there are a few bars located along this stretch of stupidly name streets.

The largest mall in town is also located on this street. Lucky for the mall shop owners, the mall is located across from the largest hospital in town. That comes in handy when people go bonkers trying to locate the mall.

Actually, the smartest person who ever sat on the planning committee gave the mall an address on 9th Ave. instead of on Bayou Blvd. Who cares that the two streets intersect? It’s simple GPS logic. Any address on 9th Ave. can be located faster than even the largest liquor store on any section of the street with 6 names.

We have other streets that can be confusing such as 12th Ave. that changes its name to Tippin Ave. somewhere along its route. The exact location of the name change is known only to urban planning member and they have been sworn to secrecy.

Trying to travel from here to there in my town has caused more than one mental breakdown, a few road rage incidents, and is singularly responsible for an increase in the consumption of hallucinogenics and alcohol.

I can only thank God and the urban planning committee that they have been wise enough not to install traffic circles. Should that ever happen the mass exit of the citizens of Pensacola FL will become more famous than the red crab migration on Christmas Island.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
©2011 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

10 comments

  1. Oh how true.. I love it! Glad I am not the only one who feels that way! How funny.

  2. No wonder we stay lost in your town! This takes away the guilt.

  3. It’s not just in FL that things like that happen. Nearby Wausaukee WI has a “South Road.” As you travel on it, you realize that it goes every direction BUT south!

    And speaking of the bars. I love the name of the bar in Middle Inlet, WI. It is “I Don’t Know.” I have to use that in a western novel. Can’t you just see the guy staggering in in the morning. His wife asks, “Where were you all night?” “I don’t know.” “Where is that?” “I don’t know.” etc.
    Janet

  4. There is a traffic circle in the next town over – they call it a “traffic” circle for a reason – you should see the back up!

    Oh, and we have a road that is cut in half by a neighborhood. It goes to a certain point and then disappears, only to pick back up about 1/2 mile away!

  5. Come to Cedar Rapids, Iowa. We don’t have a straight road in this town! My address is 225 31St Dr. Se, but if that Dr is missing, mail and packages go to 225 31st St. NE. The two halves of town don’t match either. Cross the river and every street is off by at least half a block. The government was smart, they put the government offices on the island as well as the jail. That was all well and good until the 500 year flood in 2008. Every bridge was out of sight and only the tops of the government buildings could be seen. But, we didn’t get hollywood to put on a benefit. We did the work ourselves.
    Anyway, thanks to that flood, west side sewing is now on the east side (same name though). Come north for the winter, it’s warm here and no snow so far.

  6. It is!! It’s a plot!! We’re all going to have to learn fractions. AHHHHHHH!!!!!
    fun-nay!!

  7. Hahahaha – you should see what I have to write when they ask me for a physical address, and you know the little line just isn’t long enough for all of it. One good thing, I don’t use fractions, but I’m thinking I’m glad I don’t live in your city. haha

  8. I didn’t know Florida was even that big.

  9. Hey,Us HWY one goes through Rockingham on it’s way to Key West. would Hwy 1-1/2 get me over to your place?

  10. So funny, Wanda. Love the comments as well. So glad to know I’m not alone in dealing with crazy street names and streets that go the wrong way.

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