Just yesterday I was sitting at my desk working when a resume was handed to me.
I noted the name.
I reviewed the qualifications.
I looked to see where the candidate lives.
I noted the address.
This person lives at 869 ½ West 9 ½ Mile Road.
Yes. You read that correctly.
9 ½ Mile Road.
What kind of screwed up urban planning committee would name streets in half numbers.
Did they run out of names and just start throwing numbers on the streets?
Are they also running out of whole numbers forcing them to resort to using fractions?
Don’t they know that no one on earth likes fractions?
Is this a subversive plot by a mad mathematician who is hell bent on forcing the entire city to recognize the existence of fractions?
I don’t know about you but all the devices in my car measure by entire miles, or kilometers. In whole numbers. Count me as a device in my car and I don’t do fractions.
If that isn’t bad enough, we had some guy on the planning council who must have owed a lot of favors to people. There is one street in my city that has 6 names going from east to west. They are, Perry Ave., Bayou Blvd, Brent Lane, Beverly Pkwy., Michigan Ave., and finally Saufley Field Road. Try giving an out of towner directions to somewhere in that mess. Fortunately there are a few bars located along this stretch of stupidly name streets.
The largest mall in town is also located on this street. Lucky for the mall shop owners, the mall is located across from the largest hospital in town. That comes in handy when people go bonkers trying to locate the mall.
Actually, the smartest person who ever sat on the planning committee gave the mall an address on 9th Ave. instead of on Bayou Blvd. Who cares that the two streets intersect? It’s simple GPS logic. Any address on 9th Ave. can be located faster than even the largest liquor store on any section of the street with 6 names.
We have other streets that can be confusing such as 12th Ave. that changes its name to Tippin Ave. somewhere along its route. The exact location of the name change is known only to urban planning member and they have been sworn to secrecy.
Trying to travel from here to there in my town has caused more than one mental breakdown, a few road rage incidents, and is singularly responsible for an increase in the consumption of hallucinogenics and alcohol.
I can only thank God and the urban planning committee that they have been wise enough not to install traffic circles. Should that ever happen the mass exit of the citizens of Pensacola FL will become more famous than the red crab migration on Christmas Island.
From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
©2011 All Rights Reserved