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Lost In Space – Or Something Like That

I lose things.

A lot of things.

All the time.

My losses are total, never partial.

I never lose 1/2 of a sock, or 3/4 of a pair of pantyhose, or even 1/3 of a car key. I lose the entire thing.

Most of the time, my losses are permanent.

Today I discovered I lost just part of something. Not the entire something. Only a major portion of it.

I recently bought 4 large bottles of arthritis strength pain reliever caplets. One for each of my offices, one for my home, and one for my purse.

The bottle in my purse spit out its guts last week. All over the bottom of my purse.

I, being the kind person that I am, scooped up the guts and put them back into the belly of the bottle. I recapped it tightly, and put it back in my purse. That was last week.

This past Saturday I was in some serious ‘pain. The kind of pain the screams ‘get the hell out of my way so I can get to my medicine fast’ pain. The nearest bottle of relief was in my purse.

Or so I thought.

In my hunt for relief from the pain, I discovered that the bottle could not be located. No big deal. It must be in my car or at one of my offices.

Fast forward one day.

I changed purses. That means taking all the useless stuff from one bag and neatly placing it in another bag. (Side note: this is the only time anything will be neat in my purse.)

During the process more bottle guts were found.

Lots of guts.

All over the bottom of the old purse.

The blue top to the bottle was also discovered.

I put the blue cap on the table and filled it with the remaining bottle guts.

I continued moving things from one purse to another with the knowledge that I would eventually locate the bottle that goes with the cap and guts.

My purses are big, but not so big that you could lose a small country in them, but big by most people’s standards. I didn’t think they were big enough to lose a large bottle in.

I was wrong.

No bottle was ever found.

How does one lost a bottle, but not the cap?

Some of the contents of a bottle, but not all?

Did it run away out of fear from the other contents of the purse?

Or was it just so sick of spilling its guts that it died?

I am currently in awe of my new abilities to lose just a part of something.

I am also in therapy.

My friends think I’ve been sleep-walking and threw the bottle away.

I am convinced it was not my fault.

I placed notes all over the inside of my new purse threatening the other contents. If they too want to escape the confusion and madness they will now be required to escape in ‘whole.’ No partial defections will be tolerated.

I’m not sure if I should replace the purse bottle. I have a feeling it would begin spilling its guts soon after being placed in the purse.

I’ve had enough bottle guts, partial defections, and bizarre stares and bless your hearts for a while.

I’m now taking my pain killers from a glass.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2011 All Rights Reserved
www.wandaargersinger.com

About Wanda Argersinger

6 comments

  1. Haha! ‘No defection will be tolerated.’ whip those pills into shape, girlfriend!

  2. Probably put some of the contents in a different bottle and threw the offending non-holding-the-pills bottle away. Pain can make you do that….Pain and 2 small kids when you are in your 60’s can make you do lots of strange things.

  3. I was just telling my son this morning that I am so grateful that I don’t have any aches and pains anyplace. Now I know why that is so important. I also have a big purse, and it has been known upon occasion to swallow some of its contents. I’m betting that your purse got hungry and swallowed that bottle, after grinding it into manageable bite-sized pieces, of course.

  4. You ladies obviously are infested with little people. Some people call them Gremlins. Some people call them Brownies or Fairies, the mischief-making kind. These obnoxious little creatures are always ‘borrowing’ things, stealing things or simply moving things around. Apparently, Wanda, one of your Gremlins has a grandparent with arthritis and they needed your pills really bad and really quick, and they didn’t have time to make off with the whole bottle. haha – hope you feel better soon.

  5. So funny, Wanda. Purses are as good as dryers at losing things. When I do that I usually chalk it up to my absentmindedness. (Is that a word?) Now, thanks to you, I know the culprit is really my purse.

  6. Throw away all the bags except one giant sized one. It needs to be big enough to hold two cell phones,a note pad and plenty of pens,a cola,or bottle of water,a camera,two paperback books,one effective pain med,one effective nerve med,nail clippers,chargers for the cell phones,various sizes of rubber bands,a couple of paper clips,at least two “forever” stamps,a pack of breath mints, one roll of necessary paper,two packs of M&M’s and small pack of suitable chips. I like Funyons for that.This is not a complete list. I suppose you ladies could think of a couple more items.When our children were babies I found that a diaper bag was the perfect ladies purse.Hahahahaha! What do I know,but I loved them. Now, I love the larger bag,same style.
    Jay Hudson

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