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Help! I’m Being Held Hostage By My Clothes

Are my boobs on crooked?

Don’t answer that.

It’s just that my blouse is so off center in the front I’m beginning to think that it’s not the blouse, but the boob underneath it. I’ve recentered it approximately 9 times. It remains crooked.

How the h@(( can a day go so wrong in less than an hour?

Yeah, don’t ask me, but it has.

It’s 5 a.m. I am at work. Alone. And the day isn’t going so well.

Today is casual day.

We can wear blue jeans, or any other color jeans we might want to wear.

I’m wearing my blue suck my tummy in jeans.

I look good in these jeans. Okay, I look about 3 pounds lighter in these jeans. To me, that qualifies as good.

The blue and white blouse was a perfect match (when dressing in the dark).

I can’t twist the blouse enough to make it hang straight and my jeans have now abandoned that little metal thingy you use to zip them.

Yup. You got it.

They spit it into my hand at the last zipping of said blue jeans.
The jeans are now holding me captive. I can’t unzip without the little metal thingy. Rephrase – I can’t unzip unless the little metal thing is reattached to the zipper.

I can’t do that for two reasons. I can’t see over my muffin top to see the zipper. If I take the pants off I still can’t see even with my glasses, that I left at home this morning.

I also can’t zip, but right now, that’s not a really big issue.

I took my morning meds a few minutes ago.

Said meds include vitamins, numerous meds to control the lupus, and a huge dose of diuretics to keep my kidneys functioning or from malfunctioning.

Yup. You got it – diuretics.

The diuretics don’t help with the stuck zipper thingy.

In addition to all of this, I’ve already polished off one Coke this morning. One large Coke containing about 9 billion milligrams of caffeine. We all know caffeine is a natural diuretic.

Anyone see a problem here?

Yeah. Me too.

I keep waiting for someone to jump out and yell April’s Fool.

I’ll let you know if they do.

From the life and mind of:
Wanda M. Argersinger
© 2011 All Rights Reserved

About Wanda Argersinger


  1. Seems to me that surgical procedures are called for here. Not for you, but to remove said zipper from said jeans. Once the zipper is removed, you can head for the potty, but it seems imperative that the jeans will have to go to the nearest trash can–unless you can reinstall a new zipper, which required very careful cutting and snipping during the removal.
    Good luck, and Happy April Fool’s Day.

  2. Anna Dandelakis

    Nearest trash can indeed Ms. Janet….seems them jeans gonna have to be cut right down the seam of one leg so they can be taken off so you can go to potty, or in the alternative, you gonna have a wet mess on your hands…..LOL

  3. Wanda,if it’s just the little finger tab on the zipper that’s broken you can stick a small safety pin through the hole,snap it,and you are back in business.
    If that part is missing, don’t worry. Just keep a small pair of pliers in your pocket.


  4. Yep, a toss to the trash can may be called for, but in the mean time the pinch technique works well for me. Pinch said slider thingy between thumb and forefinger and down shouldn’t be much of a problem. Back up might be something of an issue but pulling said crooked shirt as far down as it will go might at least get you through the rest of the day. When all else fails there’s always an emergency illness in the family.

  5. Oh Wanda! You can always find a way to make even the worst situations funny!
    Happy April Fool’s Day!

  6. Oh no! Now I know why my day went well. You got the full load of April Fools!

    I was going to suggest that you slip a paper clip into the slider. Blouse – if this is the only blouse that sits crooked, I’d say something is wrong with blouse – not your boobs. Or you could sell the blouse to someone who is lop-sided.

    Hope your trash is big enough to hold both jeans and blouse.

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